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PEDESTRIANS: LA’S PANSIES

I was watching a public-access channel for Glendale or Burbank or one of those towns with too much time on their hands, when I saw a sting to catch drivers who don't stop for jaywalkers crossing the street. What kind of Bizarro shit is this? Jaywalking is illegal; that's why there's a name for it. Otherwise, it'd just be walking. Pedestrians in LA don't know how good they have it. When I lived in Washington, DC, we'd self-police jaywalkers by running them the hell over. Jaywalking wasn't really a concept for us; it was just another form of suicide. Apparently, even for people who aren't jaywalking, LA has some sort of law requiring that every square inch of a pedestrian's foot be on the sidewalk before drivers are allowed to go through a crosswalk. That's the only way I can rationalize the pansy-assed coddling of these car-less degenerates.

In DC, if a pedestrian got brushed by a car in the crosswalk, it would be considered good luck—like avoiding a falling anvil or realizing you got a false positive on an AIDS test. Who are these pedestrians anyway? How do they survive in LA without a car? I take my car when I go to the bathroom. Is this pampering of pedestrians just another LA charity case? What color ribbon is Pedestrian Awareness anyway? Whatever the case, these foot-mongers have become spoiled from the attention. Just look at the way they saunter across the street, stopping to double-knot their shoe or play a quick game of Minesweeper on their cell phone. Peds in other cities thank the car gods when they live to see another intersection. In LA, they’ve got their lawyers on speed-dial in case a car commits an affront to their toe-dragging lineage. (Sometimes I think they secretly want to get hit because they blew their trust fund on tanning booths and morning-after pills.)

So, LA pedestrians, take heed: there’s a new sheriff in town. I drive a crappy car, and I don’t have insurance.

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Mark Harris, Aquiel, LA SURVIVAL GUIDE

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