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OY VEY: HOOKING UP WITH A CONSERVATIVE JEW

Technically I’m Jewish, but I’m not religious – I’m mostly in it for the food and the jokes. I never care about the religion of the guys I date, but I thought I would make an effort to date a Jewish guy at least once, if only to make my parents happy. Well, mostly so they'll stop guilting me. Also, I wanted them to keep paying my college tuition. And if you’re gonna go, go big. I met Moisha Goldensteinberg at a frat party. Okay, his name wasn’t as ethnic as that, but it may as well have been. He wore a blingy star of David necklace and a yarmulke, along with some questionable facial hair that could only be described as "splotchy." He shimmied up next to me on the dancefloor and his smooth moves impressed me. While every other girl was being ass-groped by a drunk frat guy, me and Moisha were gettin’ down, polite-style. He asked me my last name and if my mother was Jewish, and then he asked me out to a comedy club the next night. After the comedy show, he drove me back to my place and we slept together. It was a pretty average date for me back in college – cheap, nearby, and ending in brief, expected sex. But right around the time he moaned-out of me was where things got verklempt.

Right after he took his circumcised piece out of me, Moisha started freaking out. He had only had sex with one other person, a recent ex he thought he was going to marry. He kept shaking his head in his hands, his kippah hanging by his head by one bobby pin. I just sat there. Isn’t it my job to freak out after sex? To regret my frivolously made life choices? And yet I was the one calming him down, telling him it was okay to indulge in your sexuality and God still loves you and blah blah blah. Must have worked, because we had sex again. I guess he figured he’d already done it once and still felt bad about it, may as well do it again. So after round 2, Moisha asked me about my thoughts on the Palestinian-Israeli conflict, his idea of pillow talk. This is never a good topic to bring up, particularly when you’re naked at 3 a.m. and you’re still out of breath from doing it doggy style. I said I was not that informed about the situation. “Didn’t you learn anything while you were in Israel?” he asked. “Um, I never said I went to Israel.”

“You’ve never been to Israel?” he screamed at me, in the same tone people often ask me “You’ve never seen The Goonies?!” He then jumped out of my bed, naked, went on my computer and proceeded to sign me up for a Birthright trip to Israel. How do you say “it’s not you, it’s me” in Hebrew?

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