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OSCAR NIGHT THUNDERDOME

As The Academy Awards quickly approach I am reminded of something my old JV football coach once said during a game: “Fuck those motherfuckers if they think for one motherfucking minute that they are going to motherfucking beat me!” The Academy loves to spout off about how The Oscars are about recognition and not competition. That’s just a big mouth full of horsecock. Of course Oscar night is all about competition! Everyone wants to win that night - from the biggest director to the lowliest sound designer. So it stands to reason that if someone is to win a statue then four other people will lose. And those four people will be pissed because losing sucks. That’s just a fact. Winning an Oscar means you are better than everyone else this year. No one can touch you because you won and they didn’t. It’s just that simple. If the Oscars didn’t mean anything then nobody would show up. The problem is that everyone in Hollywood is horribly afraid of looking like an asshole so they sit there and smile when the camera is on them, all the while hoping to God that they win the golden statue so they can rub it into everyone’s face.

When actors say, “It’s an honor just to be nominated”, they are telling the truth. They’re just not finishing their sentence. The full sentence is “It’s an honor just to be nominated but if I don’t win I am going to take a fucking flamethrower to the Kodak Theatre.”* [* The only exception this year is the Best Supporting Actor category. No one wants to win that because of Heath Ledger. Who the hell wants to compete with a dead guy? If you win you automatically have to dedicate it to the dead guy and trust me, no one in their right mind wants to waste their crowning moment thanking someone who’s kicked the bucket.] To make it more honest (and more interesting), they should establish a new rule at the Oscars. If an actor or actress doesn’t win and feels slighted then said performer has the right to challenge the winner, right then and there. For example, if Anne Hathaway gets pissed because she lost to Kate Winslet, then Anne can jump up in the middle of Kate’s speech and yell, “This is bullshit! I declare an ‘act-off’!” Then the two will stand center stage, face each other and perform their best monologue. The audience decides who wins. The winner gets the Oscar. The loser gets a bullet in the head.

Everything in life is about competition. Why wouldn’t the Oscars follow suit? Back in the day in the 80’s when the Lakers lost to the Celtics Magic Johnson was so pissed off that he locked himself into his bedroom and didn’t come out for two weeks. So I guarantee you that there will be at least one Oscar nominee who will do the exact same thing…the only difference being that the Oscar nominee will probably cry more. So when you watch the Academy Awards, reflect on what my JV football coach said and remember this: Don't think for one motherfucking minute those motherfuckers aren't competing to the motherfucking death with each other.

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