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INSTANT MORON-MAKER

You think we’ve come so far. A black president. Internet on our cell phones. Free, limitless porn. As humans, we can pretty much make anything smaller, wireless or taste like bacon. But then you go to the supermarket and watch someone to try to buy some bananas in the self-checkout lane and the reality hits like a falling building: We’re all just a bunch of fucking monkeys. Bright ones, to be sure. But really, watching someone trying to work one of these things is like watching a silverback gorilla try to launch a satellite into orbit. This could be a Harvard grad or a career janitor who didn’t finish the third grade, it doesn’t matter – as soon as they get in front of this machine they instantly lose 60 IQ points and forget how to use their arms. The slack jaws. The vacant eyes. The idiot gestures. It’s like watching an adult devolve into a retarded orangutan from Texas, right before your very eyes. “Oh come on,” you think as you stand in line. “Is it that hard? Just swipe the fucking Fritos, and go… Oh god she’s got an avocado. Heeeere we go.” You think it is not possible for people to be that stupid. But for some reason this machine has to power to into borderline mongoloids. And god help them if they need assistance with this thing.

But you, you on the other hand are going to flip this bitch in 25 seconds flat and all these people will appreciate how bright and technologically savvy you are. They’ll learn something from watching you handle this transaction in the quick, efficient manner it was designed for and think, “That guy was soooo quick… That’s how it’s supposed to work. It’s like looking into the future.” And then you get up there. You touch the screen and things start to happen, you’re ready to scan your Cheez-Its and… What the hell is that? Place item in bag? But I haven’t scanned anything yet. Ok, don’t panic, just push this button here and… Plantains? But these are garbage bags. Fine, forget it, just move on, everyone’s watching, it’s only a buck or two but… Jesus Christ, bread scanned twice and coupons? No I don’t have any fucking coupons! I just want to buy this fucking avocado! And… scene. Thanks for the show, moron.

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.

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