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NOSTRADAMUS ON $5/GALLON

Much like the horoscopes in Seventeen and Cosmopolitan magazine, it’s a fact that Nostradamus was always right. He correctly prophesied every human and natural disaster, tragedy and crisis for the last 500 years. His latest prediction proven true is the current Gas Crisis, which I have translated for you. Forgive me if my 16th century French is a bit rusty. Quatrain II: 167 states: Two thousand and seven years after the birth of our lord and savior Jesus Christ (2007), people with no social conscious will be oblivious to the rising costs of fuel for their “mechanical horses.” They will purchase unreasonably large [cars] for the sole purpose of inflating their egos and also to compensate for the inadequate size of their genitalia. A year later (2008), fuel costs will rise well beyond their means, which are meager at best. They will try to sell their “Ford Expedition’s” but they will get far less than market value in return, and therefore will be stuck with their ghastly decision. These same people will also be responsible for another crisis called the “Sub-prime Mortgage Crisis.”

Quatrain IV: 82 states: People with any sense of forethought would see the pattern early and invest in fuel / economically efficient [cars]. This will give them a superiority complex that that will infuriate the ignorant mentioned earlier in Quatrain II, but will be merited nonetheless. The righteous will quote the wise sage Nelson Muntz in saying “Haw Haw!” and call the ignorant “dumbasses” behind their backs. Quatrain IX: 99 states: Ostracized by the more intelligent and economically dilapidated by their own choices, they will search for a scapegoat. However, they will not blame the “Dumbass Bush King of the West” that they elected themselves, but the Sultans of the Middle East. They will look to their Messiah from the Island of Ire, Bill O’Reilly, and blindly recite his words without checking their sources. Their children will be inexplicably more retarded than themselves. Scary true, I know. Please forward this to everyone over 45 in your address book. Old people love this kind of shit.

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