Actors, actresses and the morons who direct you in films, get this straight: no one coughs when they vomit. Really, they don’t. You should know this – in order to get into the position to fake this on film, you likely had to do some stomach-churning things or adopted this as a daily ritual in lieu of, say, surgery. And I’ve been into restrooms in clubs in Hollywood – I know you have experience with this. But holy Christ do you fuck this up constantly on screen – whenever an actor in a film or TV show has to pretend to puke, they both precede and post-cede it with a manic bout of coughing. Have you ever done this in your life? No, of course not – because you don’t puke out of your lungs. Actresses, you are especially guilty of this, and cut the shit. You know what it is to pull the trigger, everyone does: It is one long, sustained HunNNNNNnnnhhhh, followed by a splash, and that’s it. Maybe a second one for good measure. Picture yourself: you’ve just had six tequilas and a shot of bourbon off a stripper’s chest, piled on top of a Chipotle special, and now you’re in a public park on your hands and knees saying things like, “Oh god,” and, “Please let me die.” There’s sweating, there’s panting, then a burp, a heave and a rush, and then relief, sweet, sweet relief. And not a single fucking cough, anywhere. So next time, remember that, and stop confusing me by ducking off screen and hacking away, making me think, “Oh, she must have turbuculosis…”

Also, while we’re at it, you know what? When people cry, nobody looks off into the distance and lets a single, meaningful tear run down their cheek, assholes, they ball up their face like a newborn preemie and bleat like a chimpanzee in labor. Work on it.

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.


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