Like most people, I'm pretty happy Barack Obama is going to be the next president of the United States. However, the catchphrase really has to go. "Yes we can" was okay during the campaign, but after that victory speech it just became another "Did I do that?" or "Eat my Shorts?!" Now that the campaign is over, it's time for some new material for the new administration. Fortunately, Mr. President, I have some helpful suggestions: 1) "Fuck you, Hillary." This can be used whenever you successfully handle an international crisis: "North Korea was threatening to build nuclear weapons, but I talked them out of it, and the phone never even rang at three in the morning. Fuck you, Hillary." It's a bit confrontational, but hey, you won, so why not gloat a little? While your at it, you can ditch the Shepard Fairey "Hope" design and have him draw you up an inspiring giant middle finger. 2) "Praise Allah. Ha ha. Just kidding. Or am I?" This catchphrase is a little long, but after a long, stressful campaign, why not have some fun with people? You could also go with "I'll make a decision, but first let me check with my good friend, Bill Ayers. Gotcha!" or "My name sounds like Osama because he's my dad. Psych!" Pick whichever one you like. It's your call.
3) "Yeah, I’m a socialist. What are you gonna do about it?" Ever since Joe the Plumber, you’ve had to be on the defensive about your tax plan that will "spread the wealth around." Well, you won. Instead of being defensive, time to own it. "I’m going to take money from the rich and give it to the poor. I’m going to give people health care. I’m going to give the car companies a bunch of money so they’re basically controlled by the government. Yeah, I’m a socialist. Deal with it, motherfucker." 4) "No, We Probably Can’t." Let’s face it. You made a lot of big promises during the campaign, and you can’t keep all of them. Middle class tax cuts, affordable health care, eliminating dependance on foreign oil - something’s gotta give. Reduce people’s expectations with "No, we probably can’t." Or if you prefer, you can go with "I said a lot of things during the campaign, but I was just trying to get elected. You get that, right? So, are we still cool or what?" With these catchphrases, I’m sure your socialist, islamic, black panther, terrorist administration will be a huge success. You’re welcome.
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