People in flash mobs believe others want to see them. They believe they are talented. They believe that they have something to offer. These are delusions. They have nothing to offer. They are not talented. No one wants to see them. But this can change. The main problem? Lack of originality. A simple choreographed dance routine will no longer catch anyone’s attention. Here are a some flash mob ideas that will really make a difference: Spank City USA: Find a large open space, like a public square or Apple’s corporate headquarters. At the predetermined time, the flash mob leader should blast the “Wipeout” riff on speakers. That’ll be the cue for everyone to come to the centre of the space and pretend they’re surfing while masturbating. To be clear, the mob should only PRETEND to surf, but they should absolutely be masturbating. Downtown Dodgeball: Gather in a busy area on the weekend. Flash mob members should dress inconspicuously to blend in with the crowd. At the appropriate moment, everyone should yell “DODGEBALL!” Have dozens on red rubber balls dumped into the area from windows above. You know the ones that really sting when they hit you in the face but are light enough to be thrown easily? Those ones. Members of the flash mob will grab them and play an impromptu game.
It will be virtually impossible to distinguish members of the flash mob from members of the public so assume everyone is playing, including the police who will eventually arrive. Disco Vomit: Have everyone wear 1970s disco gear. Host a pre-event prep session to go over the plan and the approved dance steps. Serve questionably stored and prepared shellfish. Disband and meet in a local park. People will be wondering why so many people are dressed in disco outfits. The atmosphere will be electric. At a given time, start blasting “You Should Be Dancing” by the Bee Gees. The mob should snap into action. Point, spin, shake, spin, point. Then vomit. Just so much vomit. Many flash mob members will look up at you with tears in their eyes as if to ask “Why?” The answer will be “Because life is a carnival and I’m sorry your disco onesie is covered in puke.” Elevator Dance Party: Everyone dresses in suits and meets in the lobby of an office tower. The flash mob should mix in with the business people and pile into the elevators. On the ride up, one person in each elevator yells “DANCE BREAK!” and presses the emergency stop button. Everyone must immediately start dancing, mainly by jumping up and down. Ignore calls from security. If the non-flash mob passengers appear alarmed, it’s only because you’re opening their minds with your free spirit and spontaneity. Have them dance with you.
Scream “DANCE BREAK” directly into their mouths. You’re changing the world. Traffic Fun Run: Instruct the flash mob to meet at a busy intersection at rush hour. They should wear something to run in. When you blast your air horn, everyone should yell and cheer and sprint into the street against traffic. Cars will screech to an angry, curse-filled stop. The drivers will look at you like you’re crazy. Don’t worry about it. In fact, pull them out of their cars and make them run with you. Some people will get badly injured, but don’t pay attention to them as you’ll want to keep the momentum going. Everyone should be told beforehand that if they do get hurt they should pull themselves to the side and wait until help arrives. They should also keep yelling and cheering through the pain. Homeless Waterpark: Have every member of the flash mob live on the streets for 6 months. On the agreed-upon date, meet in a local park and discuss your experiences. Talk about alienation and loneliness and how that has changed everyone perspective. If some people start crying, don’t try to stop them. Some members of the flash mob will have died during the 6 months, so be sure to say a few words about them. When everyone has had a chance to speak, play the theme from Friends and dance around in a fountain.
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