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NERD TITTY

San Diego, California. For four days out of the year, nerds from every race, religion, and nacho bar descend upon one of the nation’s sunniest, most happening cities to promptly seclude themselves indoors for an undeodorized stretch of consumption, childishness, and frustrated sexuality. It’s Comic Con, baby, and it’s spreading like a rash on a pair of poorly ventilated geek thighs. Once restricted to social pariahs, this meeting of the mouth-breathers has expanded to generously include money from all walks of life. And where there’s money, there’s titty. To be more specific, “nerd titty.” The pro-disguise ethos of the event produces a wealth of buxom, pale assed Princess Laias and sluttified Mila Jovo-likes. That 44-year old single gentleman dressed up as Jack Sparrow who came to town alone knows this, and he will request many pictures beside bodies he’d normally masturbate to through the screen of his Mac monitor. It’s a give and take, the girls love the attention, and horn-dorks need to stock up on intimate human contact for the coming year. Faceless corporations recognize this Death Star sized marketing opportunity, and thus we have the commercialization of Comic Con. Case in point, the Laker girls were there for some reason this year.

Hot or not, athletic hype-squads are antithetical to the original spirit of Comic Con. Sports, however much shrouded in bouncing boobies, have no place amongst a demographic that still considers a packaged toy figurine named “Frodo” a wise investment. Many of the booths have caught on to the socially retarded needs of these dorks, and hired out promotional costumes to aspiring actresses who couldn’t give two shits about the accuracy of The Watchmen film. Which leaves one wistfully wondering how to spot authentic nerd titty. Easy: the teeth. While some nerd chicks can seamlessly transform into a hot blue-haired anime character for a weekend, they’re dental hygiene tells a different story. A grill the same shade as artichoke hearts denotes a diet of keyboard side Pepsi and fistfuls of Crystal Skull edition M&Ms. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Timid titties and terrible teeth.

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.

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