I'd like to be eco, I really would. I'd like to recycle everything I can, and conserve as much water and energy as possible. But honestly, doing all that takes time, and I've got stuff to do. Important things, like watching "Celebrity Rehab" or checking all my friends' Facebook status updates. Sorry, Earth, but you'll have to take a backseat. Yes, I know that if I turn my computer off before I go to bed, it will save a lot of energy. But my computer goes fucking crazy and gives me a bunch of "program not responding, click to end program" messages whenever I try to shut down. I don't have the 45 seconds it takes to click on all of those. That's 45 seconds I can spend sleeping! I also know that I should separate my trash into recyclables and non-recyclables, but even throwing things out is too much work. Most of the time I just let trash pile up in my bedroom for months and months at a time until it reaches a point where getting from my door to my bed can only be achieved via carefully orchestrated tip-toes and long-jumps. I'll keep it this way until there's some sort of minuscule chance that a lady friend may wish to enter my bedroom. At that point, everything must go, all at once. No time to separate the trash. Sucks to be you, Earth.

On the bright side, laziness does have its eco-benefits. For example, by being too lazy to buy paper, I wind up printing things on old pieces of junk mail, take-out menus left at my door, and other paper-like material I find lying around the house. I also save a ton of water by avoiding things like washing the dishes, doing laundry, and showering. It may sound gross, but by avoiding physical activity I also avoid sweating, so going several days between showers is not nearly as smelly as you’d think. So the point is, don’t worry about the planet. Do whatever you want, and things will probably balance out. I was going to make a better point than that, but I forgot what it was and now I’m tired of writing. Oh well.

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