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MY HERO, CHRISTIAN AUDIGIER

We owe a debt of gratitude to you, Christian Audigier. You masterminded the stratospheric rise of your namesake brand, the Ed Hardy label, and their precursor, Von Dutch. Through your creative prowess and marketing genius, I can now easily spot people which I have nothing in common with and can avoid them without speaking. Thank you, Christian Audigier. Thank you for really tight graphic t-shirts emblazoned with fake tattoo designs. This solves the age-old “what-to-do-if-a-bird-poos-on-your-right-shoulder” dilemma. Embarrassment avoided. Thank you for the $165 oversized and bedazzled trucker hats. They are the perfect gift for wealthy 13-year-old girls who will discard them prematurely along with their self worth and virginity. Most importantly, thank you for expanding your line of man jewelry. I used to relegate my distaste for man-bling to Joe Pesci pinky rings and the gold chains sported by baseball players. Your innovation of sterling silver and white crystal dog tags featuring your logo (of course) sublimely say, “I respect neither myself nor the military.” You’re a genius, Christian Audigier.

People throw around the term, “taking it to a new level.” In this case, that phrase does not do you justice. You created Christian Audigier The Night Club in the historically glamorous Treasure Island hotel and casino in Las Vegas. Take that Maloofs! While I’ve yet to patronize this establishment, the photos on your website indicate this is THE hot spot for men who sculpt their facial hair and women deemed too skanky for Rock of Love. What’s really blowing my mind about CATNC is that you chose Heidi and Spencer from The Hills to host your New Year’s Eve bash. Not only did you save me the cost of a $125 ticket, but for that one night the L.A. smog actually lifted in celestial response. You are a god, Christian Audigier. Last, but not least, your line includes Christian Audigier air fresheners. I consider this the aromatic equivalent of a rape whistle. They come in packs of 6. So, if every woman hung one in the car of the 6 douchiest men she met, we could save a lot of ladies from taking rides with assholes. Now, that smells like victory. So, on behalf of women everywhere and from the bottom of my heart, thank you Christian Audigier.

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.

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