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MUSIC THAT SHOULDN’T BE BLASTED IN YOUR CAR

"On October 1, 1908, the first affordable car, the Model T, hit the road. On October 2, 1908, the first asshole hit the road, with a phonograph strapped to his rear bumper, blaring Benny Goodman or some such nonsense. Cars and loud music, it seems, go hand in hand. However, if you're one of the throng who insists on polluting the air with your dubious taste in syncopated music -- especially those who parade by my window between 6:30 and 7:00 PM on weekdays and all day Saturdays, usually in a cherry red '99 Volkswagen Golf with a two-foot spoiler and scissor doors -- at least follow a few simple rules of what not to blast: - Anything over 100 BPM. Unless you're gay or European. In either case, you have too much money to be living in my neighborhood. - Mexican folk music. Seriously, it sounds like a carnival. - Anything with an accordion. See Mexican folk music.

Madonna, if you’re a man who doesn’t habitually find his penis inside another man, or vice versa. Besides, I’m pretty sure that ""vogue-ing"" on the highway violates some sort of hands-free driving law. - Rap music, if you drive a Volvo. You might be the swinging dick in the Accounting Department, but on the road, you’re just a reverse hate crime waiting to happen. - Anything with heavy bass, if you still have factory speakers. Speakers shouldn’t rattle. - Anything that was ever on the Adult Contemporary charts. Save the Shania Twain for your OBGYN visit. - Anything, if it draws attention to your shitty car with the faded purple window tint. If your windows have bubbles, it’s time to visit the detailer. - Anything with no bass. Sure, big bass can be annoying, but blasting music with no bass is pointless: ""Hey, check out this treble!""

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