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MUSIC FROM ENGLAND: BUGGER OFF

Dear England (or United Kingdom or Great Britain or whatever you call yourselves now), May I speak on behalf of all Americans when I tell you to please stop making music. As if your fashion and cuisine weren’t God awful enough, the copious amount of Techno that comes from your once great empire is simply inexcusable. It’s almost unbelievable that so much bad music can come from that small of a country. Every time one of my friends comes back from abroad, they defend their newly developed love affair for club music by explaining to me how “epic” the dance scene is in the UK. Well asshole, as much as you want to believe you’re in some laser-light club grinding your junk on some buck toothed cockney skank, you aren’t. We’re actually driving in your 95’ Civic to settle a bet on who can eat the most chicken wings in 15 minutes.

And I’ll stop you right there because I fully aware of the different genres that is “Electronica.” But what you need to understand is that it doesn’t matter if you call it Trance, Drum & Bass, House, Jungle or Technobecause it all sounds like a cat with Downs syndrome trying to rape the whole percussion section of a second rate orchestra while a robot jerks off in the corner with a lit cigarette. It’s like you decided to take the worst parts of pop rap and hip-hop but then you got too high and forgot to add / write any lyrics so you just threw in some sound effects from sci-fi movies and called it a day. And I’m not willing to take two pills of Ecstasy and grind my teeth off just to enjoy some music every now and then. “PEW, PEW, PEW, PEW, PEW!” You’ve had the last twenty years to come up with something half decent and all you’ve given us is self-righteous pricks (Oasis), elevator music (Coldplay), and a shitty Internet memethat got old six months ago but somehow people still think is funny. Therefore, I regret to inform you that America has placed a music embargo on the UK and violation is punishable by having to try to comprehend and explain Mars Volta lyrics (read: a lobotomy through diction).

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