Before the world hummed with wireless Internet, movies were most assuredly where guys saw their first boobs. Ask a guy about their movie nudity memories and they’ll inevitably rattle off a chain of frighteningly specific moments. (I had a friend who actually marked down the exact time nudity occurred on all his VHS tapes.) These boobs were important to us. Here were five of my favorites as a lad: 5) Just One Of The Guys. How do you prove you’re a girl when everyone thinks you’re boy? Duh. Flash your tits! An indelible moment made all the stronger considering this wasn’t even a T&A movie (the 80’s were the heyday for random nudity). 4) Roadhouse. This was a studio picture that had as much nudity as b-grade titty flic, so that meant the boobs were of a very high caliber (go 80’s again!). And I was much too young to pick up on the astonishing level of homoeroticism. 3) The Dallas Connection. Generally speaking, I am not a fan of fake breasts. They look weird, and as I’d later discover, feel weird too. Yet Julie K Smith held a spell on me. Andy Sidaris, one part Russ Meyer, one part Ed Wood, was a pioneer of the early straight-to-video market… and my heart. His films are barely watchable, yet brilliant in their unflagging gratuitousness.
2) Creepshow II. My mother was weirdly unaware that horror movies are full of boobage, so the genre was a horn-of-plenty for me. So many films to chose from: Re-Animator, Return of the Living Dead, Lifeforce, Puppet Master 3, Species, the Friday the 13th series. I’m selecting Creepshow IIbecause the nudity is so brief and I didn’t even like the film at the time. Yet my friends and I probably rented it on three separate occasions just for a scene where a nerd feels a girl up on a raft only to discover she’s dead. A perfect example of the mighty hold nudity had on us. 1) Under Siege. Murmurs of this film filled the halls of my school the Monday after it came out, and no one was talking about Steven Seagal’s fat ass. The film was a Die Hard knock-off, but it had one thing Die Hard didn’t… Erika Eleniak jumping out of a cake, topless. My friend edited a continuous loop of the scene on VHS. We had whole conversations about it. Watching the film now the moment is shockingly mediocre, but back then it seemed to last forever and was more magical than a dragon 69ing a unicorn. Share your films, dear readers. You too ladies. My older sister and her friends used to pause Taps so they could see Tom Cruise’s dong. So don’t pretend you were classy.
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