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MEDIOCRITY PLUS QUANTITY EQUALS SUCCESS

I’m convinced that people crave massive amounts of mediocrity. If given the choice between “a lot of average” or “a little of great”, they will choose the former every single time. This explains why “Two and a Half Men” is a TV juggernaut and “30 Rock” is barely staying afloat. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying people are stupid (okay maybe I am – just a little bit). People don’t like utter crap. If they did, then Hoobastank would still be around. If it’s truly heinous then people won’t buy it. But if it’s just okay and you can get a lot of it for very little money, then people will lap it up like my drunk Uncle Steve laps up Wild Turkey on Christmas (and he is a raging alcoholic – sorry, Uncle Steve). Is Olive Garden really that good of Italian food? (Can I even call it “Italian food”? Shit, can I even call it “food”?) Are the never-ending breadsticks and salad really that kick ass? No, but people love it because it isn’t totally foul tasting and there is plenty to go around. It’s similar with “Fast and Furious”. I’ll go ahead and ignore the ridiculous story and the stilted acting just to be fair. Was that the best action movie ever? Were the car stunts really that amazing? Hell no. Again it was just good enough and plentiful enough not to be truly offensive.

It doesn’t have to be good. It just has to be barely good. If it’s really good people will wonder if you’re trying to trick them into experiencing something different. It should be just good enough that you can consume it without thinking about it. And it can’t be too little; otherwise people will instantly feel cheated. People always feel cheated if they get too little of anything. You could give someone a small, steaming bowl of diarrhea mixed with vomit and they’ll complain, “What the fuck?! Why the small bowl?” I’ll say this: Whoever first came up with this concept of large quantities of average virtually guarantees success was a genius. He or she must have had to be aware that whatever they were making was just barely acceptable but then suddenly had the brainstorm, “If I make more, they will come.” And if you think I’m way off base and this “success equation” is ridiculous, just ask yourself this one question: If I am wrong then why is Nickelback still so fucking popular? (Except in Portugal.)

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