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HOW NOT TO PROPOSE TO THE WOMAN YOU LOVE

I love my girlfriend more than anything in the world. She’s beautiful, smart, funny, sexy, kind, talented, and has a mouth like a sailor. She’s basically me with a pussy. The first time I proposed, we’d been going out for three weeks. To my surprise, she said yes. We spent two months shopping for rings and debating the merits of a small civil service versus eloping to Vegas and having Elvis wed us. It was very romantic. Until she became sullen and withdrawn and started crying. When I asked what was wrong, weeks of frustration came out in a torrent of snot and tears. She was too young. We hadn’t been dating long enough. She wasn’t ready. She dumped me shortly after. She said she thought we didn’t have a future together. A few months went by. She said she really missed me. She loved me. She thought we did have a future together. We moved in together. Determined to learn from my mistakes, I asked her brother what he thought of me proposing. He said she had major marriage issues. She wasn’t in a rush to get married. In fact, she might never want to at all.

I thanked him and ordered an engagement ring. Then I went back home with her to meet her folks. Within minutes of the introductions, I pulled her father aside and asked for his daughter’s hand in marriage. After he finished cleaning up the shards of glass from the wineglass he crushed, he mumbled something about hunting and fishing and how he wished his son was more into those things. I took that as code for “I own several guns and am not happy that a Jew is banging my daughter.” I shook his hand and fled as quickly as possible. Having her entire family tell me she wasn’t ready for marriage just wasn’t obvious enough. So I cornered my girlfriend and asked how she felt about it. She looked as if I’d just said “Hey, can my friends the Detroit Pistons pull a train on you?” She’ll be back home next week. I’m already thinking about my next proposal, currently scheduled for October. I’m sure the third time’s a charm.

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