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LOOKING FORWARD TO THE COMING DEPRESSION

I’m no economist, but the economy’s not looking too good. GDP is down, consumer spending is down, housing prices are way down. This Paul Krugman guy is saying that we could be headed for another “depression,” a period characterized by high unemployment and pushcarts. Most people see this as bad news. I, however, prefer to look for the positive. I'm an optimist. Here's why I'm looking forward to the Great Depression Part II: Work - I'm what you might charitably call under-employed. Right now, it's a little embarrassing, what with only 7% unemployment and all. If this were the Great Depression, on the other hand, I’d be considered quite the busy man. “Time is money boys,” I’d say, exiting the coffee bean, “Gotta put in my 4 hours!” Even if I lost my crappy part-time job, I'd be waiting in a bread line or scrounging for lumps of coal along with 25% of my fellow man. What is now a sign of laziness and stupidity can soon be passed off as a common malady, a sign of the times.

Dating - Modern dating can be quite expensive. A fancy dinner, a movie at the Arclight, drinks afterward... you're looking at at least a couple hundred bucks. But it's not just the money, it's the effort that goes into planning a date. It can be quite a strain on my already limited creative energy. But during a depression, the bar gets lowered exponentially. Take your lady to Quiznos and you look like Bill Gates. Splitting a can of ham is an acceptable dinner option. Bring over a broken wooden crate you found by a dumpster, start a fire, and let the love-making begin. Clothes - Have you seen pictures of those poor men waiting in bread lines in the ’30’s? So chic. Here’s how fashion works in a depression: everyone gets one set of torn, grease-stained clothes, plus a pair of long johns that you sleep in. It’s basically the grunge era all over again, minus the Soundgarden concert shirts and Courtney Love (thank god). Music - Who among us doesn’t like songs about hobos?

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