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LOFTS: WHERE DOUCHES DWELL

The girlfriend and I decided to move in together. Being annoying hipsters, we opted to look at the most pretentious apartments known to man – lofts. In the past three to four years, lofts have been springing up around Los Angeles like freckles on Lindsay Lohan’s firecrotch. Whether it’s old converted factories downtown or new construction in Hollywood, lofts are the place to be for those with too much money and not enough furniture. What do you get for your money? Well, $1500-3000 a month tends to buy you around 1,000 square feet. That seems like a lot of space until you realize that it’s all one room. And that you’d better be as good with interior decorating as that homo from QUEER EYE, because everything you own is going to be crammed together and on display. Want to have a friend over for a drink? Well, if you had a bedroom, you could shut the door and leave that pile of dirty clothes and used condoms lying on the floor. If you live in a loft, you’d better put up some Japanese screens or claim it’s part of some art project.

Three grand for a big empty space seems like a bargain, right? What else do you get? Most of the lofts are downtown. One enterprising rental agent (at the Packard lofts, located at the site of the former Packard showroom, except they bulldozed the cool Fifties Modern showroom, so now it’s just a brand-new, charmless white box – whoops) said that the building was only blocks away from the Staples Center. Unless I’m eating at The Pantry or hoping to get stabbed, I try to stay as far away from the Staples Center as possible. Kobe Bryant doesn’t even like going to the Staples Center (because he hates black people). What kind of tenants live in lofts? Judging by the promotional materials we received, they are all good-looking, mixed-racial couples who are fond of the conveniently nearby symphony and mountain biking. Which is nice, because if they had to stay in one room with their four pieces of furniture all the time, they’d probably go insane.

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