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LIBRATION LOGIC: A GUIDE FOR THE LADIES

I’ve been drunk plenty of times. In fact, some people might think that my giant tits are the proverbial camel’s humps that house mountains of liquor and allow me to drink day and night with ease, but they’d be wrong. Drinking like a girl isn’t a bad thing if you have any idea what you’re doing... Beer – If the situation is unfamiliar and you want to loosen up a bit stick with beer. Luckily, all the beers in the world won’t make anyone better looking or more desirable. The added bonus is that it will take you longer to get drunk so you can call your friends to pick you up when the creep at the bar stops taking a hint. Gin – You’ll start the night out as a princess but end up acting like the sad, sorry sack of shit you hate the second you start drinking gin. Your clothes will probably come off, but whoever is dealing with you will have to validate your every perceived physical imperfection. Vodka – Vodka drinkers are a sordid sort and probably drink it all day long at work just to make it through the day. That water bottle people see you carrying is VODKA.

You can drink steadily all night long and wake up in time for work. You also sleep with an ice pick hidden in places no one could begin to imagine so anyone that tries to mess with you will be sorry. Tequila – aka Mexican Demon Juice. Introduce this into the mix when you don’t care what the outcome is, as long as you accept the fact that you’ll end up naked. The problem is where you’ll be naked is a veritable mystery, but the surprise over whom you’ll wake up next to is something you come to accept overtime. Whiskey – Ever want to know what it’d be like to be Cobra Commander with nice tits? Anytime you start throwing back shots of whiskey like you’re John Wayne you risk finding it out. You will go home with the first idiot that dares you and then hate fuck him in a way that was previously considered impossible. Jagermeister – Serious Jager drinkers are champions beyond human comprehension. You can drink any man under the table and easily turn men into boys that run out of the bar while puking into their own hands. If you’re not a drinking champion, chances are that you’ll morph from a sultry nymph into a fountain that vomits crude oil.

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