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LETTERS TO MY SPONSOR CHILD

Dear Esteban, It's nice to meet you! I'm super excited to be your foster parent with Children International. Everyone agrees that I have the cutest adopt-a-kid, cuter than the ones in the commercial even.I can see by your age that you should be in the fifth grade. I hated that year because of the Presidential Physical Fitness Challenge. Do you have that in Guatemala? Or do they call it El Generalissimo's Fitness Challenge? Just kidding. You must have coups all the time, though. Have you ever seen a junta? So I'm sure you're wondering what I'm like. Well, I live in Los Angeles, and as you might have guessed from the enclosed autographed headshot, I’m an actor! I haven’t had my “big break” yet, but I have been getting some great exposure on my web series. By the way, Children International is a Christian charity, so if they try to teach you stuff about Jesus, just nod and go along with it. Nobody in America really believes in that stuff. Except maybe the Amish. They're kind of like you except that they live that way on purpose! I’m glad I can help you, Esteban. I guess I was just cursed with a big heart! People tell me I'm selfless, but when I help someone, I get so much in return. I guess that means I'm actually really selfish! But not really, though. Love, Uncle Bryce At least there are no embarrassing photos of this folly… unlike the ridiculous Seinfeld-like mullet I had at the time.

Dear Esteban, Imagine how proud I was to go to my mailbox today and see you on the cover of Children International magazine! Congratulations! I must admit I’m a little jealous of all your exposure! (But mostly proud.) I mean, there you are on the cover, sitting in your little one-room schoolhouse, smiling through your squalor. That is you, right? Anyway, in regards to your last letter, a web series is like a television show, except it’s much lower quality so anyone can make one and nobody gets paid. Isn’t that great? I think of you often, Esteban. Someday I’d like to visit your little village, and see where you live, and have authentic Mexican food from Guatemala. Love, Uncle Bryce P.S. As happy as I was to get your magazine in the mail, I’m pretty upset that my Netflix still hasn’t come this week. I swear, who lives in a Third World country, you or me? By the way, I’m sorry to hear your town was almost completely destroyed by that flood.

Dear Esteban, It is with a heavy heart that I wish you Christmas Navidad. It’s been a tough year, and unfortunately, that means I can no longer afford to be your sponsor. I wish there was another way, but I have to pay for my rent and improv classes somehow. But you’re a tough kid. You know all about surviving. I’ll never forget you, Esteban. You might find this hard to believe, but your simple way of life has taught me almost as much as the past three months of access to formal education have taught you. If I could leave you with one last message, Esteban, it would be this: Pagúela adelante. Pay it forward. Love, Uncle Bryce P.S. Esteban, you’re not of those kids who work for Nike, are you? I hope you’re not. But if you are, can you hook me up with some free shoes? I wouldn’t ask except I’m super broke and I was hoping you could “pay it forward” back to me a little bit.

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.

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