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LET’S PUT A TAX ON SEX

There was a lot of talk just before the election about how Barack Obama will "spread the wealth around" with his tax hikes for the rich. Well, spreading the wealth is all well and good, but how about spreading the sex around too? Some people are having more sex than others, and it's simply not fair. That's why Obama needs to institute a sex tax. I mean, all this government bailout money has to come from somewhere. It's the perfect plan! Now, people who oppose my plan will say crazy things like taxing sex is "ridiculous" and "an invasion of privacy." Or they'll say "hey, this guy probably doesn't have sex, and he just wants to punish those of us that do!" In response, I say . . . okay, that's true. I could probably dig through my couch and find enough to pay off my total lifetime sex tax so far. But that's beside the point! Here's my plan: you are required to pay the government one dollar for each orgasm you have (with a partner, that is). If you don't have an orgasm, you pay no tax. Unless you fake it. However, if you have sex more than two hundred times in a calendar year, your rate increases to $1.50 per orgasm.

Now, Joe the Plumber would probably accuse me of sexual socialism for having to spend his hard-earned money after a long day of "laying pipe," but if he’s having that much sex per year, I don’t feel bad for him. As for your tax dollars, some of it will go to various bailout packages. Another portion will go toward getting health insurance for every child in America. You don’t want a bunch of sick kids to die, do you? So 1% goes to the bailout, 1% to the kids, and the rest will given to the perpetually undersexed to be spent exclusively on government-approved prostitutes, who will all be screened for STD’s, and will all have a heart of gold. As for how do we keep track of who’s having sex and who isn’t, I don’t have it all worked out, but it will probably involve installing video cameras in every bedroom in America. So, who’s with me? Anyone?

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