The bulk of my early teen years were spent locating secluded inner-city locations and then proceeding to get facefuckingly stoned in them. No doubt, this led me to alleyways, underneath bridges, rooftops, ravines, abandoned buildings and so on. Compounded with the fact that I frequented one of the most notorious marijuana hotbeds of my home city – my “arts” high school” – and looked like a pre-pubescent prototypical pothead (complete with dreadlocks, hackey-sack, Hawaiian shirts and all), it will come as no surprise that I was a prime target for casual robbery. To count the number of times I was directly or indirectly mugged would be both disheartening and too large a number for my past stoner self to comprehend, but suffice to say it was probably more than you. As such, I feel I’m best qualified to pass down several lessons learned to future generations of nubile drug users. Learn To Read Signs Early
Not like if someone is wearing a hoodie or is Black or any of that other shit: that stuff is obvious – just ask George Zimmerman. No, I mean determining quickly if your conversation is actually a mugging conversation. For instance, while an innocent bum may ask, “You have any spare change?” the very similar question, “You got any money on you?” suggests something very different. It really says, “I’m not concerned with if you have any money to spare, I’m curious as to how much of your parents’ money I can take from you.” The key is not to engage in these sorts of conversations, because one minute you’re rambling about how you only have a bit of cash and your debit card’s magnetized swipe hardly works, the next you’re taking pliers to your fillings because the old ones are made of real gold. Oh, and if someone twice your size asks you if you’ll sell them any pot, they mean the sort of selling where you give them your weed in exchange for not being stabbed. Disperse Your Money Some people will tell you not to carry cash, but that’s just plain dumb: if someone is robbing you, they’re not going to leave empty-handed, and saying goodbye to a tenner is a lot easier than your Gap jeans and then maybe your virginity and then maybe your self-respect and future aspirations, too. This goes the same for electronics: keep your phone, your iPod, your laptop and any other valuables in separate pockets and compartments – not only will you be safe-guarded from losing all your shit during a mugging, but you’ll give off a sort of nifty Mr. Gadget quality, so it’s a win-win!Don’t Be Afraid To Be A Pussy If you weren’t a totally wimp, you wouldn’t need any of my advice, nor would you be in a situation of being mugged by seventeen-year-olds. In the interest of sparing yourself from getting punched – which is surpisingly uncomfortable – allowing your voice to quiver and your hands to shake is good, so long as you tell nobody about it later. There’s some alpha-male shit playing into this whole robbery scenario, and it’s best you stay out of the runnings like you’ve always done before. Crying profusely probably couldn’t hurt, either. Running Actually Works
The Geto Boys rapped about how gangsta-ass n**gas can’t run for shit, and it’s true. I’m not saying you’re necessarily getting robbed by hip-hop-type-thugs, but, well, I am, because you probably are. But seriously, if you actually just sprint away, nine times out of ten they won’t chase you. Sure, you lose your dignity, but I gave that up when I had my mom give me dreadlocks during the Oscars, so you can too. Also, running in to any formalized business or institution helps, even if the cashier is an elderly woman: most muggers are adolescent shitbags who aren’t badass enough to rob you in a public place – and if they are, leading them into the nearest 7/11 may at least cause them to switch targets.
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