Upon the announcement of Lena Dunham’s 3.5 million dollar book deal, adolescent girls everywhere shit their high-waisted pleather drawers in eager anticipation. Not wanting to subject them to the torturous build-up and inevitable let down so typical of Dunham’s characters, I’ve taken it upon myself to provide a highly-abridged 500-word version of the book in order to facilitate a modest, premature release of such tensions – and for three and a half million dollars less! Chapter 1: My Formative Years – Wherein Dunham regales her readers with zany stories about her flamboyant and highly alternative parents. “It was hard at times,” she’ll admit, regarding her being brought up by two successful white artists in the cultural capital of the world (and in the sexually suggestive way we’ve come to expect of Dunham), “but it made me who I am today.” Chapter 2: But Actually I Did It On My Own – As if almost immediately regretting mentioning the status of her parents, no doubt aware of the decries of nepotism from the media at large, Dunham recalls a story where some casting agent or “industry guy” insinuates she need blow him. “Oh, this is like that one episode with the creepy boss,” highly perceptive readers will say, “it’s like she used her real life to inspire the show.” This story will springboard a discussion of how she made it all on her own.
However, it will be carefully masked as a stream-of-consciousness essay about different kinds of penises. Chapter 3: I’m A Woman – Vaginas and chewing cum and gross shit that female readers everywhere will whisper about around their male friends. “Have you finished chapter three yet?” one will ask. “Oh my god, story of my life,” they will say. Indeed. Chapter 4: I’m Overweight And I Hate Myself – Without that spare ten pounds, Girls may well just be just another “cliché depiction of attractive young white women in the city,” instead of the “honest look at what it means to be a woman in America” of which it is so highly regarded today. Here, Dunham tells a sad (yet humorous!) tale of when a guy once called her fat, thereby relating to all the actually fat people across this great big fat nation. Chapter 5: Whatchu Know About Brooklyn? – “I went to this bar with this guy that you would totally know if you knew anything about Brooklyn but you don’t because you’re some shitty seventeen-year-old in Boise, Idaho so why don’t you just keep dreaming about living here and live vicariously through me. If you are from Brooklyn, then you know what I’m talking about. This one goes out to you. “
Chapter 6: Obligatory Overcoming Heartbreak Story – Dunham describes a typical heartbreak, but how she overcomes such emotional torment in accutely atypical ways, which in turn has become typical of Dunham, and really, typical of everything typical. Typically atypical, typically. Chapter 7: Hipsters, lol – Wherein Dunham makes fun of hipster culture, but it’s ironic because she herself is a hipster. But now that lots of hipsters are making fun of hipsters, it’s sort of un-ironic, or something. Ironically un-ironic, ironically. Chapter 8: I’m Overweight And I Love Myself – You thought she’d just leave Chapter 4 like that? Of course not. Being overweight is great and you should love yourself. Just don’t pay attention to the fact that Dunham’s probably lost fifteen pounds since the first season of Girls. But y’know, that’s just silly ol’ Hollywood for you! Chapter 9: Story About My Non-White Friend She has them, alright. And their names just so happen to be Janiqua, Hui Zhong, and Click Cluck Mii-duck-duck. So make no mistake, she has them.
Chapter 10: Girls – This chapter provides fans with behind-the-scenes stories, gossip, industry secrets and, most importantly, a reminder as to why they’re reading the book in the first place. Remember to buy the DVD!
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