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Learning From “Female-Friendly” Porn

I was always warned at a young age never to assume that the sex depicted in pornography was similar to real-life sex, nor what women expected or even wanted. I never totally bought this story – what women wouldn’t want three massive simultaneous loads blasted directly into her eyes? – and placed it in the same category as sentiments like, “it’s not the size, but how you use it!” and, “most men only last two minutes, don’t feel bad!” Following this advice, however, I would rate my sex life up to this point as not a complete failure. Of course, this rating isn’t ideal: many might argue that the whole War on Terror thing was a complete failure, but they’re really only kidding themselves in order to feel better. In the interest of improving my sex life in future, I have come to following conclusion: if pornography for men depicts sex which women do not want or expect, then pornography for women must depict sex which women absolutely want and expect. And thus, I turn to various free porn sites in search of “Female Friendly” categories in order to paint a picture of ideal sex which I then can replicate for my future sexual conquests. It’s fool proof. First and foremost: a huge amount of it is girl-on-girl. I chalk this up to the fact that most male porn stars look like more muscle-y and rape-y versions of a Hanson Brother circa 1999, and that by eliminating the dick, there’s more emphasis on that whole “female pleasure” thing, or whatever.

While eliminating my own dick is not an option at this point, I think there’s something to be said about attempting to replicate the sensual, feminine touch of a woman. I’ve already shaved my pubes into a V, gotten my nails done fluorescent pink and intend to bleach my asshole in future. I may be borrowing too much from the typical porn image I’ve grown up with, but it’s best to do what you know, I say. In fact, when men do make an appearance, their behavior is markedly different than what I’m used to. Massaging, and specifically nipple play, is an integral part of foreplay. This is interesting, as conventional wisdom has always told me to avoid breast-suckling as it’s the same breed of amateur move as the single-handed titty-grope so commonly executed by teenaged boys. Nonetheless, perhaps a reintroduction to the breast is in order, a sort of “born-again” experience harking back to my infancy. I’m familiar with massaging from my own porn experiences – the male masseuse uses his magical hands to arouse his unsuspecting massagee/victim – but I feel the transition between lower back and clitoral hood may be too daunting a task. When I’m fooling around with a girl and her hands are on me, I’m more or less repeating in my head, “when is she going to touch my genitals?” and I’m actually concerned the sentiment would be opposite for my partner: “please keep rubbing my back, because the second you head downtown, any strands of my own person pleasure embark on a rapid decline.”

There’s also this whole business of kissing. I’ve never been to sure what the standard protocol for one-night-stands are. It seems too intimate to passionately kiss sometimes, but if we don’t kiss, I feel like I’m banging a prostitute. In female friendly pornos, there’s a whole lot of kissing, which from an arousal standpoint makes no sense to me. The whole idea of PDA and seeing other people kiss is universally regarded as disgusting, isn’t it? How does the introduction of two aged and over-worked pornstars suddenly make it arousing? And they’re really going at it, too. Tongues, licking the cheeks and everything. For an act which is so very dog- like, you’d think there would be more doggy-style. But there isn’t. It’s a lot of like weird half-missionary shit that doesn’t really look fun or pleasurable. And you know when the guy grabs the back of the girls head and then touches his forehead to hers and they make a lot of eye-contact? Yeah, that too. But I can manage that, I’m sure. Oh, there’s one last thing. Let’s see here… Oh right. Yeah, they all still have big dicks. Fuck.

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