As none of you may know, I’m a Canadian. While I’ve visited some of your more potent urban American hotspots, I’ve rarely traveled between. Admittedly, then, the following may read to some as ignorant assumptions lacking any reasoning or truth. However, hours upon hours of YouTube research have been conducted to produce such observations, all in the name of science. It should be noted that while video uploader locations were not noted, it was presumed that videos took place in “rural” locations based on nearby geographical signifiers and retarded accents. Problem-solving Capabilities Limited to Primitive Physical Confrontation Rural America appears rather violent, as is made clear by it’s residents’ apparent fondness of engaging in arduous fistfights. Observations have led me to believe the following most common causes of such physical confrontations: confusion as to which male a “bitch” belongs to, one male postulating another to be attracted to other males, altercations fueled entirely by excessive alcohol consumption, or simply being bored white-trash shitheads. This hypothesis is further credited through common “backyard wrestling” simulations, wherein often overweight or otherwise visually unappealing Caucasian males simulate steroid-addicted clowns pouncing around off of tractor-trailers and sheds.
On the bright side, this activity appears highly risky, potentially removing such individuals from our precious gene pool. Rampant and Terrorizing Alcoholism As previously mentioned, fights appear often fueled by excessive alcohol consumption. This comes as no surprise as it appears little else is available as entertainment, asides from being racist and blowing not-so-distant relatives. Videos depicting young men chugging bottles of whiskey, playing primitive games based solely around the act of consuming alcohol, and vomiting excessively are commonplace on YouTube. The fact that it was felt necessary to document and share such instances with the outside world only further stipulates the unfortunate state of affairs in such regions. Blatant and Unashamed Illiteracy My most groundbreaking discovery came not from the videos but from the proceeding comments. Illiteracy appears at an all-time high. In fact, interesting patterns among such comments have lead me to begin researching my next study: The Effects of Hip-Hop Music on Basic Literacy and Human Decency.
Despicable Consumerist Obsession An underground subculture, I urge all readers to look into the YouTube phenomenon that members refer to as “hauls.” In short, these videos depict spoiled and self-centered young girls thoroughly documenting their recent clothing and makeup purchases. While it’s unclear if this phenomenon also occurs in urban centers, for the sake of mankind, I hope not. Furthermore, their obsession with super-brands like Macy’s and H&M lead me to believe that their idea of “the city” is some fucking strip-mall nearby where their father’s peddle Crack and punch women. (Note: seriously, go and watch this shit right now, OMGHHKP) Admittedly, my research has left a few questions unanswered. The most notable confusion is thus: Are these people for fucking real?
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