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KEEP YOUR GOOGLE CALENDAR TO YOURSELF

Online calendars are so convenient I sometimes shake and convulse when I think about a time without them. You can access your schedule from wherever you are, whenever you want to AND you don't have to carry around a notepad like a loser. One might say that another perk of the online calendar is that you can "share" this calendar with people who care about your daily schedule. This is dead wrong. Maybe you love your significant other and you want them to know when you plan on having breakfast with your grandmother. I get that. But the minute you click "Share", you should start giving away your things and closing your facebook account, because you're going to soon kill yourself. What seems like a sweet task, maybe even a gesture of love and trust will within ten minutes, come back to bite you in the ass. "Baby, did you see your ex-boyfriend for lunch the day of our first date? Your calendar says you did" "Who is this guy Josh and why did you see him every Friday at 12am for three weeks and then never again?" "Why is your ex-girlfriend's birthday still in your calendar?" That's right. Every date you've had since 2005 is in there. Every fling recorded. And suddenly you'll notice how telling the timing of situations really can be.

"Why is there an STD appt scheduled for the day after we slept together?" "Who is Brett and why are you meeting him at the top of the Eiffel Tower on Valentine's Day 2012?" Then, when you think you've got the hang of it and you learn to delete things from your calendar you know to hide, they will start attacking your future free time: "Yes, you can come to my boss's daughter's bat mitvah. There's nothing on your gcal that day." "I checked your calendar and you're free, so I told my cousin we'd babysit her 2 year old." And just when you think you're trapped and smothered and you can't breathe, you'll get a message like this: "Baby, according to this calendar your period was due 8 days ago. You got it, right?" Which is when you'll put "Break up With Boyfriend" on your gcal for that night. Because it's probably not his.

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.

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