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JOEL COEN, YOUR OSCARS IS AT WILL-CALL

The Coen brothers have been producing critically acclaimed features for longer than I've had bowel control. If I'm reading the IMDb entry right, they've somehow won 6 more awards than they've been nominated for. When they were recently presented with the industry's absolute highest honor, Ethan was about as excited as mildly hungry day laborer picking up a Ciabatta sandwich from a Jack In The Box. He seemed like he was kind of into getting an Oscar, kind of. But in reality the award wasn't as appealing as it is in the TV ads. After hauling their statuettes offstage, the two made a quick pit stop in the mens' room and then just decided to call it a night and get out ahead of the traffic. They left all 6 Oscars on the back of the same urinal after they had finished crossing streams to piss-blast the family name into the urinal cake. It's a very important mechanism for maintaining the deep and lasting fraternal bond that is the wellspring of all their creative energies.

The statues resurfaced about an hour later when Marty Scorsese was caught trying to smuggle them back to his car by taping one apiece to each of his three daughters’ thighs. They’re now being held at the will-call window of the Kodak Theater. Ushers there are still waiting on Joel to furnish them with a box so that they can ship his portion of the statues to his house, while Ethan has not yet returned any of their phone calls.

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