One of my favorite hobbies, as of late, is to carry on a conversation without saying anything. Sure, call me flippant or glib or Matt Lauer, however, I have found that equivocation is not only entertaining, but also very useful. See examples below: Question: What do you think of our economic crisis? My Reply: The felicity produced by prosperity is directly proportional to the alacrity and unity of the just and the unjust. I call this the Dr. Cornell West. It conflates a nonsensical “rhyming” statement with a truncated biblical verse. It sounds cool, but means nothing. I employ this technique when talking with “elitist” and “intellectuals.” Question: Where is our relationship going? My Reply: "Well, you know, it’s like this, you see, I want to get to know you, but at the same time it’s tough, because I get you, I do, I really get you, and I feel like you understand me too, but at the same time, you don’t even know who I am." The ambivalence created by this technique relies on subtle (and not so subtle) self-contradiction. I say one thing, and immediately assert the opposite is true. This technique is helpful when talking with “sleepers” (the people you bang on the DL).

Question: How is work going? My Reply: It is what it is. Nothing says nothing like a catch phrase! Yet, the amazing thing about this particular catch phrase is how satisfied the prober is with my answer. Somehow, he/she “understands” what I’ve said, even though I haven’t indicated, to the slightest extent, how work is going. I use this when I’m talking to successful people. Question: What do you think of Maria? My Reply: She’s a nice girl. Wow, at first glance it looks like I said something! But, I didn’t. I used a word, in this instance the word “nice,” that has taken on so many meanings it no longer means anything in particular. “Nice” by today’s standards can mean anything from a “fat slut ball with a wide vagina” to a “cum guzzling starlet.” The circumstance for this method is obvious: when I’m referring to someone’s mother.

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Missed Connections – Sad Slasher #1

A murderous slasher has been killing people at his creepy cabin for years - but now that a neighbor is warning people away, his supply of victims has dried up!