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I’M LA FAT

I really enjoy living in Los Angeles. With perfect weather and extremely good looking people each time I leave my house it is like a picture perfect film montage whenever I blink. Still, as much as I enjoy my life in the City of Angeles, I am always happy to go anywhere else in the lower forty-eight states. Not because I am excited to see the rest of the shithole we call America, but because I am considered extremely good looking by those backwards idiots. Recently, while visiting a friend in one of these useless, boring, American cities I was confronted with something I was totally unaware of, an epidemic known as LA Fat. My friend kept saying how great I looked, how fashionable I was and how thin I’d become. The only problem with this is that I’d never felt thin enough in LA. Because a size 2 is 2 sizes too big. The more I protested the more she insisted I was a wisp of a woman. She went on about women’s body images and self esteem, crap that usually makes my brain turn off. And just as I started tuning her out she said something I can only explain as completely genius, “You can’t be fat. Not when compared to the rest of America. But because you live in that cesspool, you’re LA Fat,” she said while whorfing down twinkies.

And she was right, I am fat. The LA sort of fat, where I’d always been two steps away from perfection because I actually ate. Thanks to her this won’t be a problem for me anymore. So excuse me while I cut this short to go gag myself with a toothbrush.

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