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I WISH I WAS A LESBIAN

I know you've heard every guy on the planet say this by now. Lesbians are hot. I like lesbians. Therefore I wish I was a lesbian. Sadly, most lesbians are not hot (neither are most people). But they are cool. And tough. They're everything I wish I was. Guys generally want to be manly. But the more manly you are, the more douchey you usually become. The only way to be manly and cool is to be a lesbian. You can wear skin tight black pants, never bathe or smile, have a crazy haircut and it all just somehow works. You can have like 20 lesbian friends that all look the same and have all probably slept with each other. It just seems so god damn hot (well, at least to lesbians it does). In a sense, lesbians represent the very pinnacle of hipsterdom. They come off as completely detached from their emotions, without regard to their physical appearance, and are inclined to dismiss every single person they come into contact with. On the other hand, they’re also like midwestern, blue collar men. They don’t give a shit about carbs or calorie counts. They eat whatever they want and if they gain some weight, then so be it, more to love.

They drive giant trucks and impossibly loud motorcycles, not in an obnoxious, look-at-how-masculine-I-am way but in a, "what-are-you-looking-at, this-is-my-free-time-so-fuck-off way." They know that you don’t need to wash your hair so long as you wear a baseball hat. A lot of lesbians also have this thing where they switch from men to women with the ease that monkeys swing from tree to tree. If you ask them if they're straight or gay, they look at you as if you just asked them what the color red smells like. The question has no answer. A few weeks ago, the night before Valentine’s Day, I overheard two lesbians talking. “What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?” one asked, her voice growling like an old motorcycle. “Welding,” the other replied, monotone. I wished my answer was half as cool.

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