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I, WHORE: A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO SELLING OUT (NSFW)

Hi. I’m a professional screenwriter. Professional in the sense that I pay my bills with money someone gives me in exchange for writing them a movie, such as the esteemed milestones National Lampoon’s Dorm Daze 1, 2 and 3. “Professional,” bytheby, is also the term seasoned Johns use for whores. So I’ve overheard. As a sexy ‘pro,’ aspiring writers often ask me for advice while I’m drunk at parties and happy to blather at them with boozy enthusiasm. But I only have one genuine and practical pearl of wisdom, which I’ll gladly share with you now, slightly buzzed: Sell out. Ahead of time. Embrace it. Nothing will stall - possibly even kill - your fledgling creative career like pointless idealism. Dump that shit at the California customs checkpoint along with the fruit you had in your car. I believed all sorts of stupid crap coming out of high school – I’d never need math in real life, ska music was timeless, Terry Gilliam would never make a bad movie.

Naturally when you first decide, “Hey, I wanna be a screenwriter,” a grand fantasy-view of your wunderkind ascension to stardom and flawless award-strewn career will follow. The sooner you realize this is retarded the sooner you can get to work. There’s a reason you only hear of youthful idealism, if you get me. But betraying one’s principles is bad, right? Sure. But there’s an important difference between “I refuse to write something that denigrates women” and “I refuse to write romantic comedies, cause I hate them,” if you continue to get me. You’re not running for President. You wanna make shit up and have other people recorded acting that shit out. For a living. It’s a ridiculous profession. Ambitions are mandatory, but putting up rigid creative barriers for yourself before you’ve even entered “the Biz,” and acting like this demonstrates your badass artistic integrity is just asinine. Don’t become that cliché failed writer, bitterly limping through life using your “integrity” as a crutch, attempting some kinda quixotic nobility by making excuses for yourself: “No one is interested in making good movies in this town.

So fuck it. ” Fun fact – pretension and obstinacy aren’t attractive qualities to producers. Was my boyhood dream to one-day write a trilogy of National Lampoon movies you’ve never seen? Would I be satisfied with my filmography if I died right now? Of course not. But I also don’t plan to drunkenly fall off a yacht and drown for at least another six, seven years. I’m just happy to be working. And you could be too. It’s all about your attitude. If you’re too fabulous to compromise, stay in Ohio and raise financing for your masterpiece. Godspeed. Hollywood is an industry town. If you wanna live here you should be eager to grab a shovel and hardhat. Otherwise, well… I hope they have premium cable up on your high horse.

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