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I WAS A SOFTCORE PORNOGRAPHER (NSFW)

My second job in Hollywood was working for a bottom-feeding production company. The kind that made a lot of straight to Showtime movies, basic cable primetime “dramatic” series, and Skinemax softcore porn. I quickly rose through the ranks to Story Editor for one of our softcore series. I would evaluate the scripts that came in, making sure they met our strict editorial standards (no gang rape). I also got a nifty credit on every episode of the series. One day, my boss asked if I’d like to write one of the episodes. Finding out that it paid $800, I quickly accepted. A half-hour of writing work later and I submitted my script for approval to Cinemax. They bought it, and I had my first professional writing credit on the way. My girlfriend at the time wasn’t pleased that I was employed on softcore porn. I’d have to work late, spending hours on set with former Playmates, Penthouse Pets, and porn stars. It was grueling work, but someone had to do it. Unfortunately, I missed the pussy boat. The executive producer (my boss) and the producer both fucked their way through pretty much our entire cast. By the time I was single, our company was out of the softcore business. But while it was going on, my girlfriend was pissed and jealous, and the producer would fuck with me by having girls put their giant fake breasts on my head and moan my name while I called to tell her I’d be working late.

When my episode was finished, I told my parents about it. Proud Jews that they are, they told all my relatives and family friends. The day after it aired, I got unsettling congratulatory calls from my parents and Nana telling me how impressed they were with the dialogue during the three-way scene. Since then, I’ve worked on dozens of TV shows and films, and have a lot of other credits under my belt. But every job I have, someone will come up to me and tell me they saw my name on something the night before. And every time, it’s POON ADVENTURES: THE SAGA CONTINUES*. *Not the actual name of the series, so don’t bother looking it up.

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