For those of you who don’t really get what’s been going on with the financial markets (it’s pretty boring anyway), let me summarize: People like money. A good way to make money is to loan someone else money. For a while, an even faster way was to loan someone money and then sell the loan. Then people started taking the loans, combining them, chopping them up, and selling those to people all over the world but mostly the Chinese because they suck at investing because their country has no Jews and that’s why they own all our national debt. [Ah, Hillel and his Jew humor...] The greedy rich people fucked up good and proper, because now their loans aren’t getting paid back. Apparently, this affects us in some way. Like if you had a really good idea for a website where you can buy custom-made flip-flops that leave messages in the sand, you probably can’t get that loan for a while.

Oh, a bunch of stock market investors lost a lot of money. Boo fucking hoo. Some big goddamn bank just got bought by some other bank? That sounds like pretty big news, but isn’t there some cute cat video i was gonna watch for a third time? Some people say this is Bush’s fault. Look, Bush is at fault for a lot of bad shit, but this ain’t one of them. Wanna know who’s at fault? The people that lost all their money. That’s the beauty of this whole thing. And I, for one, am looking forward to a bunch of them jumping out of their office windows. Cause what’s a financial crisis without some white collar suicides? Now Bush says we need to give these rich bastards $700 billion to unfuck themselves. Sure, they can have $700 billion. Right after they suck my hairy ball sack. $700 billion? Are you shitting me? That’s invading-Iran money. I mean, what are the Chinese gonna do if they don’t get paid back? Have another cultural revolution? Win some medals in gymnastics? I’m really scared.

Here’s an idea: for every Wall Street scumbag that offs himself, the government buys $100 million of their bullshit securities. Because the only way to prove that things are bad enough for a mass bailout is by giving your life for the only thing you ever loved: money.

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