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I NEED MY SAG CARD AND I WILL F TO GET IT

Seriously, it has come to this. I need my mother fucking break. I have been in LA for a few years now, and a non-union life is sucking out my soul. I do not need for everyone to adore me. I am not running after my Daddy’s approval or showing the popular girls from high school that I have “made it”. I am a trained actress and deserve to be noticed. I want to make money acting. Plain and simple. If stardom follows so be it, but celebrity is not my aim. But God knows I have the cheekbones. I have had creepy producers try to take me to Vegas. I have kissed a girl. I have showed my tits (and yes they are real and fabulous, thanks for asking). All of this I viewed as paying my dues. Imagining the day when I look back and chuckle at all I had to do to get where I am now, married to my fabulous studio exec. husband, living in Malibu with our adorable 2.5 children. I have had two, yes two National commercials, both non-union (fuck me). I have done my time rushing off to lame non-union infomercial auditions in the valley only to discover that I am the only one that is not built of botox, saline, or silicone. And not to be a complete asshole, but when you are reading sides with grammatical errors in every sentence, it makes you think "Why am I wasting my time here?"

I spent a not so small fortune on my education and here I sit trying to get a job selling anti-wrinkle cream. But then I remember, it’s my dream to be on the big or little screen. And then I gasp in horror at the mediocrity of it all. I can’t help it. I have friends who are high up on the Hollywood ladder and even they cannot help me. Why you ask? Because I am not SAG! I need 2 more vouchers. I will surrender my vow of celibacy. Its been 10 months of zero action, but fuck it. I shall spread the legs to grasp my dreams by the balls. I shall grasp balls for my dreams. I will throw caution to the proverbial wind. I will get down on my lilly white knees and suck some cock. I mean really it’s not that demoralizing. Dressing up as a princess for bratty little kid’s birthdays is worse. And what is the use of being a young, pretty, empowered female actress if you can’t use it to manipulate powerful men?

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