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Because there's nothing worse than being told you're a pathetic loser by a social networking site. Is there? Myspace takes the information I put into my profile, decides what kind of person I am, then presents me with ads that should appeal to a Caucasian male of “about average” build who likes Nerf Herder and Dr. Mario. However, based on the ads I actually see, there is either a glitch with their formula, or I don’t know myself at all. For example, I put down that I’m looking for “friends” and “networking”, but MySpace thinks I really need a date. Every other ad I see is for It’s a fake video of a girl on a webcam. She’s out of my league, and all she does is stare at me silently. So, like one of my actual dates. I know through experience that staring at someone and not saying anything, is “creepy,” but for some reason when you ad a webcam and a semi-attractive girl, MySpace thinks I’ll jump to fish out my Discover card. MySpace’s text-only ads are even more confusing. What about me says I’d sign up for “Goth Date?” Sure, I’m depressed, but I can’t afford makeup.

And why are they trying to sell me a book where I can learn to overcome my “fear of death.” Am I in danger? Perhaps most disturbing, Myspace has looked at my profile, and decided it would be a good idea to present me with a small ad for a “Teenage Relationship Podcast?” I’m not that old, but I’m old enough that if I had a relationship with a teen, I’d need a book on learning to overcome my fear of jail. A relationship with a high school student is out of the question. Plus, I’m not that into podcasts. And I don’t remember writing this down in my profile, but I guess I’m a person who just loves ringtones. Man, do they want me to get some ringtones. There are ads for ringtones from every band I like, but I also often see an ad for “David Sedaris Ringtones.” I’m not convinced these exist. And even if they do, I don’t want to learn about my incoming calls from a lispy author telling stories about his dysfunctional family. What if I’m out with a girl?

I just can’t take that chance. Especially since I’ll be out with girls a lot now. I’ve signed up for HerpDate. I don’t know what the difference is between that and the other dating services, but the girl in the ad was pretty hot.


Brendan Pepper, Rachel Querrien, ARTICLES

MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.

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