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I Have Enough Female Friends

Dear Nice Female Who Just Met Me: So, that class/bar/party/other social function we attended was something, wasn’t it? Could you imagine that thing that happened? Or that so-and-so hooked up with what’s-his-name? Alright, let’s cut the bullshit. Here’s the deal. You think I’m a cool guy, which show you are high class, have superior taste and are a great judge of character. So, good on you. And you think that I might be kind of fun to hang out with, an observation which is only faulty in its magnitude – I’m even more fun to hang out with than you thought. We share the same political beliefs, non-religious beliefs, enjoy the same types of music, have no interest in reality television, possess the same dry, sarcastic, possibly arrogant sense of humor and, together, couldn’t come up with five actors who were in the various Fast & Furious movies. Looking down the list of “likes” and “dislikes” there’s really no reason we shouldn’t have a poignant and long-lasting friendship. Except for one huge reason: I don’t want to be your friend. I already have enough female friends. Leave me the fuck alone.Let me add an exception to that blanket statement: Is there a possibility you might have an interest in me sexually, if not right now then possibly in the future? Then yes, go ahead and ignore that last part. Sure we can be friends. Here’s my phone number. But do you have a boyfriend, some kind of significant other, are one of those tomboy types who has to surround herself with men because it makes them feel accepted, or the thought of having sex with me leaves you in a state of panic and causes dry heaves because, what, you’re into guys that are ugly and/or terrible? Then the anti-offer stands. There’s no reason to exchange friendship-forming information. I have reached my quota of female friends. Applications are no longer being accepted. “But can’t I offer you a female opinion on certain things?” you might wonder. And it’s a valid question that shows you’re tough-minded, know what you want, and are not going to take “no” for an answer. All qualities I’d love to have in a female friend. But still, no. I already have so many platonic female friends to turn for “female points of view” that I actually have to separate them in my head by their strengths and weaknesses.If I’m ever seeking relationship advice, I turn to the cloister of female friends I call Heartbreak Harem. If I ever need advice on whether I can wear these pants with this shirt or if I should finally take the plunge and frost my tips, I turned to the Fashionista Faction. (And then I turned to the Bruising Bitches, who punch me in the face for even considering frosting my tips.) And if there’s an enormous issue, something of a magnitude so enormous that I must draw opinions on how to act from every possible realm, an issue so troubling and sensitive that I cannot even come up with a worthwhile theoretical because my imagination does not allow it, then I overlap every section of my female Venn Diagram together and bring to order the First Cuntinental Congress. (Why none of these women ever have sex with me, suddenly, makes more sense.) The point is, there’s nothing you can offer to me in the realm of a friendship. There’s no place that you fit into my life. So it’s best if we just part ways and go on with our lives, separately. Unless you have a hot friend you want to set me up with. In that case, there’s no such thing as too many friends.

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