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I HATE BABY BOOMERS

I hate Baby Boomers. I think that's because they are the prototype for the contemporary hipster. But there's more to it than that. You can spot them a mile off. Just as people with Down Syndrome all look alike, so, too, do Boomers – middle age bellies, sour fashion and wrinkles so deep you can wedge several half dollars in them. I became aware of how annoying Boomers are when Dennis Hopper started appearing in commercials urging retirees to park their cash at Ameriprise Financial. This from the ambassador of a generation that still considers itself brilliant because they flirt with Marxism and think Al Gore is a fucking genius. Far out, Mr. Easy Rider. I can't wait until Vincent Gallo starts appearing in commercials for tax shelters. But Boomers are an unhinged lot; they are dangerous because they still consider themselves cool, relevant – or worse – both. This 40+ years after telling dad to fuck off as they brooded on the living room couch reading Ginsburg.

Their heads are a mess. Cognitively, they’re at that place where senility and too much acid converge. This greatly hampers their ability to contribute to society in meaningful ways (so do the hot flashes). A Boomer’s attempt at creativity proves that they are to be avoided, as evidenced Isabella Rossellini’s "Green Porno." Despair not: there is a solution to the problem. Of Timothy Leary’s famous dictum, "Turn on, tune in, drop out," Boomers ought to heed the latter. Hopefully they’ll listen.

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