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I Can’t Help Being Fake

When I’m on the phone, or in some kind of semiprofessional setting (because I’m a such an important businessperson), I’m often chastised by those who know me well. “What’s with the voice?” they ask me. “You sound so phony.” Well, I sound phony because I am phony, and here’s why. I, like most semi-intelligent people, realize that the general population is filled with idiots. I always have. All smart people do. It’s something we’ve all sensed since childhood, and then, after years of human interaction, known for sure. You’re perusing this site and not watching Skins, so chances are, you know where I’m coming from. Nine out of ten strangers you run into are idiots. Don’t believe me? Think about your last interaction with a stranger. Mine was an old man who stopped me in the street to show me a spider. Case closed. So fine, just avoid those people right? But here’s where the problem lies for me. Unfortunately, unlike most intelligent people, I still desperately care what idiots think of me. I don’t understand exactly why, but for whatever reason, I despise most people, but I still need them to like me. Do you have any idea what it’s like to try to get someone you can’t stand to like and accept you? It’s a nightmare.

I overcompensate by being bubbly and sweet, because, based on my social observations, I think that’s what idiots like. I try to keep a friendly tone in my voice that says to those who don’t know me well: “I think you’re great, and I’m not judging you in any way.” And on top of it all, I feel like that overcompensation makes me come off as lesbianish. I don’t really know why, but it makes me even more self-conscious. It’s difficult when someone says to me, “Oh my god, can you believe what happened to Demi Lovato?” and I have to respond with a forced smile and, “Oh, I know. Good for him.” And then when they fire back with a hatful stare and, “Uh, she’s in rehab, hello?” I self-deprecate by saying, “oh I’m such an idiot. I know nothing about celebrities.” That shit takes a toll on your psyche. Now I know some of my friends and acquaintances will read this and wonder, “Well, geez. Has she ever been phony to me?” The answer is yes. No explanation, no excuses, just plain yes. That isn’t to say that I don’t like you or that I have no respect for you. But chances are, you said something stupid to me once, and I wanted you to like me, so I didn’t call you out on it.

And this is also not to say I don’t say dumb things all the time. I certainly do, and my friends will immediately call me out on it. Like when I thought old people were called “hoagies” and not “fogies”. I got so much shit for that. I can only assume that although I care about what everyone else thinks, no one gives a shit what I think of them. And I really, really want them to.

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.

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