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I AM TECHNOLOGY’S BITCH

It happened so organically that I didn't notice until it was too late, but I've become a pathetic slave to my own technology. The very doodads and iGizmos that I’d thought were making my life easier and more enjoyable have in fact been lulling me into a sad co-dependency and draining me like some horrible Succubus. Any time I misplace my phone I become a dysfunctional idiot, the experience from the roughly two decades of my life in which I didn't have a cell apparently gone from my memory. How did I remember my friends’ numbers back then? How did I find people in a mall? I used to enjoy leaving my parent's house and knowing people couldn’t contact me. Now the idea almost frightens me – what if something important happens? What if I’m invited to party?! Every aspect of my life is coddled by technology. I can no longer spell without real-time spell check. I can’t use foldout maps. I can't exercise if I don't have my iPod with me. And I can’t seem to be anywhere near a computer without uttering the words - “Mind if I check my email real quick?” I’ve devolved into a sorry excuse for a functioning being. Last month my modem broke. It was truly shameful how thoroughly my life shut the fuck down.

When my toilet broke I actually went several days of just not going to the bathroom at home before I bothered to complain to my landlord. I replaced my modem within hours of course. My entire life seems to flow through my computer. In many ways it has become a more essential component to my life than I am and I live in mortal terror of it breaking. When my insurance company calls to try and get me to upgrade my lousy plan I scoff. Pft! Why waste the money? It’s just my body. Yet I’ll snatch up AppleCare and whatever other con-job-gouging-fees electronics retailers can come up with. I now see how The Terminator will become a reality. The robots have already beaten me. I will no doubt betray you all when the time comes. I apologize in advance.

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.

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