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THINK YOU'REFUNNY?

How Your Apartment Is Cock-Blocking You

Exhibit A: The pile of clothes she finds in your bathtub, revealing that you neither do laundry, bathe yourself, nor care that you keep your finest Target-brand Merona sweaters within inches from where you shit.

Exhibit B: The lone piece of “art” on your wall – a laminated poster of “Fraggle Rock” or whatever crap cult kids show was retroactively cool when you were fifteen, telling her you’ve had the same bad taste and sexual experience with women since then.

Exhibit C: The condiment-only fridge. If she’s thirsty, why not offer her a refreshing glass of Premium Fish Sauce (only 1360mg of sodium!)? Or, if the little sex kitten is hungry, perhaps some choice Beaver Brand Deli Mustard to hold her over? Don’t worry, the “Best By 06-30-11” on the label lets her know it’s aged just right.

Exhibit D: Dustin AKA the guy who “is not my roommate really, he’s just crashing with me until he can work things out with his girlfriend, who’s kind of a bitch, and his parents wire him the money they said they would send because it was his birthday last month and his dad said he was definitely sending him a check for like five hundred”.

Exhibit E: The stack of decaying, unpacked cardboard boxes, which prompts her to ask “So you just moved in?” and the naive, supes-horny tone of your voice when you respond, “Oh, I’ve been here over a year now”.

Exhibit F: The smell. It smells like someone has been water boarding a stray dog in here. Do you really not smell that?

Exhibit G: The Chewbacca costumes you keep stored in your bathroom which, on closer inspection, are just the colonies of your vagrant pubic hair that let her know the curtains do match the drapes, pending that the drapes are randomly affixed to a toilet bowl.

Exhibit H: The crusty bottle of Jergens and copy of Ladies’ Home Journal on your nightstand which send a clear signal that you’re going to last about as long as the delightful Tilapia and Mango Ceviche featured on p.72, perfect for those relaxing summer soirees with your best gals!

Exhibit I: The soiled, sheet-less mattress on your apartment floor, drenched in every fluid that could emit from an already degenerating twenty-something’s body. By the time the victim of your latest Thursday night slap and tickle session realizes what they’ve crawled into, it’s already too late.

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