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How To Win The Bachelorette

This is an article about how to win The Bachelorette. This is not an article about how to successfully fall in love on The Bachelorette, because The Bachelorette has absolutely nothing to do with falling in love and everything to do with cut-throat, soulless competition. It’s about besting your competitors, emotionally manipulating the bachelorette into believing she has feelings for you, and reveling in your hard-earned fifteen minutes of fame. I’ve suffered countless hours of this show – living with a chick and gay bro will do that to you – and now present you with my findings. Fit in. The biggest mistake contestants make is attempting to out-alpha the pack, by arriving by helicopter or horse, by talking shit about other guys, and by being a general blow-hard throughout the entire process. This shit-disturbing will get back to the bachelorette eventually, because most men on the show are bratty complainers who will rat you out the first chance they get. And besides, chances are you’re not going to win anyway, so you may as well make a few bros to get shitfaced with during the literal 95% of the time you’re on the show and not with the bachelorette. Aside: they really should cast a bunch of bi dudes and turn the show into half The Bachelorette, half Big Gay Orgy Party Fun Yeah!?

Begin to “almost start to love her” immediately. The trick here is to confess your “love” for the bachelorette as soon as possible, while also not coming on too strong or sounding creepy. Start by saying something drawn-out and ambiguous like, “I can already see myself beginning to consider starting to fall in love with you.” This wishy-washy bullshit seems to work wonders on these women. From here, shorten and clarify yourself each and every date you have with her, until you’re eventually more or less kind of saying that you love her. By verbalizing your growing feelings for the bachelorette, you simulate some sort of genuine relationship development in a context wherein sincerely falling in love is universally impossible, while also explicitly spelling out your feelings in a way that even someone unintelligent enough to appear on the show can understand. Have awful hair. I imagine there’s some sort of biological explanation for why a lot of women are attracted to a full head of hair, but it seems that the men on The Bachelorette have really taken it one step further. Make sure you grow your hair out to the exact point where any one person would struggle to label you as either a “short-haired” or “long-haired” guy. Similarly, part your hair at such a point where you fail to conform to any identifiable male hairstyle whatsoever.

Then apply a product which is probably not even supposed to be used in hair. As a final touch, rough it up a bit to achieve that “disheveled, bed-hair” look which inevitably looks the exact opposite of anything remotely accidental or naturally messy. Constantly bring up the “importance of family.” More or less every bachelorette is driven to be on the show because she is narcissistic, self-entitled and desperate for attention and fame. However, most every single one of them claims to be on the show in a bid to find the man of her dreams to start a family with. This assertion is the equivalent of wishing for world peace in a beauty pageant contest: it’s cliché, but you can’t really argue with it. Crappy American mothers across the country have convinced themselves that their family is what’s most important in order to fend off the grave realization that they’re wasting their days away in Buttfuck, Wisconsin when they could be travelling the world in a whirlwind of adventure and romance. The bachelorettes all know that by tapping into such an insecurity, they’re destined to be more liked, and thus, more popular. In keeping with this façade, bachelorettes are forced to choose the “family men” of the group, all the while ditching the billionaire who owns properties in Dubai, Utrecht and Bangkok.

Being the biggest loser can make you a winner! Don’t be fat. Sorry fellas, but it’s just a reality. On the bright side, feel free to have the smallest dick imaginable, because god knows she won’t find out until she’s already accepted your proposal in front of the cameras. Suckers.

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