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HOW TO SEEM LIKE YOU GIVE A SHIT AT WORK

The only thing worse than working a job is looking for a job. A sucky job is almost always better than unemployment or borrowing money from your folks. That being said, there are ways to make your self appear to be a hard worker without actually having to do any work. After years of soul sucking office jobs, here are a few tips I’ve learned on how to seem like you give a shit about your job…when you really don’t give a rat’s vagina about it. Most people in managerial positions at offices are stupid and often mistake movement for progress. One of the best things you can do is briskly walk up and down the hallways even if you're going nowhere in particular. Always carry a piece of paper in your hand, even if the paper is blank. It adds a flavor of authenticity. File folders are good but can arouse suspicion as someone might wonder what you’re doing with a file in the first place (and if you don’t immediately have a good answer you’re fucked). The worst thing you can do is to sit in your cubicle and hide. You are just begging to get your ass chewed out. You need to be visible. Acting pissed off gives the appearance of being proactive. “Wow,” they’ll say. “Henderson is really mad today. He’s such a perfectionist.” Anger at work always makes it seem like you give a damn.

One of my favorite bits is to sort through a pile of papers, even when I have no idea what they are for, and suddenly yell, “Goddamnit! These are all wrong!” Then I go outside for a ten-minute break, acting as if I need to calm down and bring myself back to neutral. Pretending to re-organize file cabinets is always good. No one will ever question what you’re doing, mostly because nothing is more coma-inducing than reorganizing files. Pretending to fix the photocopier when nothing’s wrong with it is also good because no one has any idea how to fix those things other than randomly opening and closing doors and drawers. But the best thing to do is to offer to take on a project that no one in his or her right mind would take. For example, if the supply closet needs organizing, raise your fucking hand up immediately. I know it seems counterproductive to volunteer for a crap job, but hear me out: A project like that can take weeks to do so you’ll have no other responsibilities other than the supply closet. No one will want to help you so you’ll be all alone, away from your donkey co-workers. It’s almost like a paid vacation! Sure, you actually do have to organize the closet, but you can do so at your leisure.

So you do a little organizing, read a little, organize a little, do some texting, organize a little, stare off into space, etc. And if anyone ever comes in you can yell, “Don’t fucking touch anything! I have everything like this for a reason." Hell, I once made the supply closet more disorganized just so I would have more time to finish reading my collection of Vibe Magazines. None of these bits of advice will get you promoted. They will, however, get people to leave you the fuck alone, which is all you really want from menial job in the first place.

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