I stopped watching The Simpsons many years ago. While not conscious, I’m sure its declining quality had something to do with it. While away, I heard time and time again from those around me that the quality had reached an all-time low. Recently, with fresh eyes, I decided to try my hand at a few new episodes. They’re not great, but I think the series is salvageable. Here are my entirely credible suggestions. Lose Celebrity Cameos
I’m not going to argue that there have been some great cameos in Simpsons history – I still sing Michael Jackson’s rendition of “Lisa, It’s Your Birthday” – but celebrities are just shittier now, and if anything, the Simpsons world should be an escape from the Disney-shitfuckery that’s everywhere now. Have you seen previews for the reboot of Punk’d? It’s full of fucking ten year olds. And new celebrities don’t have any staying power nowadays, so when The Simpsons recently had Julian Assange on their 500th episode, I didn’t give a single fuck, which is my next point. Don’t Try To Be Topical
South Park makes an episode in six days. Six fucking days. The Simpsons? Like eight months. I’m pretty sure I saw a Twilight joke on a recent episode. Are you serious?My grandmother would call you “played out” for pulling that sort of shit, though I imagine that her age demographic might be the only people still watching the show, if only because their grandkids aren’t there to help them change the channel on their new digital cable box. Make Me Cry More
I want “Do It For Her” posters of Maggie by Homer’s desk. I want more Homer gazing at the stars after his mother abandons him again after her brief return. Or when Homer thinks he only has a day to live after eating poisonous fish. The reason why I can’t watch Family Guy or American Dad or whatever other cloned show Seth McFarlane has shit out is because I don’t care whatsoever for any of the characters. I love The Simpsons, and god dammit sometimes I just want to show it. Focus on Secondary Characters
The Simpsons family have done everything and gone everywhere twice. Save the plot re-hashing to the MTV programming development team and instead explore the lives of the other residents of Springfield. As a bonus: more backstory on residents means more trivia which means more fanboy boner parties.Occasionally Kill Off Secondary Characters There’s something special about spotting Bleeding Gums Murphy or Maude Flanders – it dates the episode in a good way. Springfield feels like a real town, and we get to know every resident. But what happens in real towns? People die. Sometimes it’s sad. Sometimes it’s awesome. Killing off a character also fills an entire episode of seemingly much needed plot. Don’t Mention “Internet” Things
I don’t know – someone on the show recently mentioned Twitter and it seriously fucked me off. That goes for any show, actually. Don’t talk about fucking Twitter. Even if you’re not on TV and you’re a real person, don’t talk about Twitter. Seriously.
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