Even if you’ve managed to hold onto your crappy job during this whole “economy” thing the news keeps droning on and on about, that still doesn’t guarantee that you have benefits. Taking care of your health is an incredibly expensive luxury. Want straight teeth? Want to be able to see? Want to know why it burns when you pee? Until Obama gets around to giving us all free health care, it’ll cost ya! This is America. Save your money for booze, and follow my tips to living without health insurance: Take the bus everywhere. Even if you have car insurance and drive as carefully as possible, someone could (and will) hit you. Then you’ll be paying hospital bills. You might as well fund an indie movie out of your own wallet, because that’s how expensive staying in the hospital is. So lessen your chances by taking the bus, although it does raise your chances of getting stabbed and having to go to the hospital anyway. Wear glasses. Sure, your first pair of eyeglasses will be expensive, but contacts get used up and you’ll always need more of them. If you can’t afford glasses, invest in a good friend who will walk you around. Luckily for you, friendships are paid off in rides to the airport, as opposed to actual currency.
Change your religious values. You’ll save a ton on prescriptions if you become a Christian Scientist and refuse to believe that doctors know what they’re doing. Insisting that any illness can be cured by simple praying is the most affordable option you’ll have! Floss. Even people with dental insurance don’t go to the dentist. But keep up your flossing, unless you want your teeth to fall out. Stop having sex. Who needs costly birth control if you’re celibate? Plus, there’s no chance of STD’s, which means you’ll never have to buy expensive creams to get rid of any itching down there. Have more sex. Google has 128 million results for "Health Benefits of Sex." As opposed to only 14.8 million for "Health Benefits of Suicide." Stuffed animals. Don’t spend all your money on a costly psychiatrist. Tell all your problems to your teddy bear. It’s embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as admitting you’re in therapy.
Free clinics. if you simply must get professional help, there are free clinics, if you don’t mind waiting all day in a waiting room filled with crack addicts and illegal aliens. Although during my free clinic experience, I was misdiagnosed and given the wrong medication, only making me sicker. You’ll probably be healthier if you just bypass any sort of professional help altogether. Think this is too much work? Don’t worry – if you follow these simple steps, you may not live that long.
MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.