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HOW TO FIX THE OLYMPICS

Shorter Opening Ceremony Yeah, it was kinda cool. But four hours? Of weird Chinese modern dance? You gotta be kidding me. It felt like watching Cirque D’Soleil on Valium. Here’s a helpful tip for anything remotely like this: if it’s gonna longer than The Postman, it better have Kevin Costner’s simple wisdom and dry wit. If not, cut it down to a half hour and re-run an episode of Heroes or some shit like that. Hotter Girls This year, the hottest girls were the women's volleyball players. If you saw them on the street you'd be terrified cause they're 7 feet tall and their thighs look like turbines, but when they all stand next to each other, they look perfect. Anywho, we need hot girls in other sports. A step in the right direction would be to raise the minumum age in gymnastics and diving to like 17 or 18 so guys don't feel like such perverts when watching them do the splits or raise their arms. Eliminate Redundancy Diving is cool. But do we need diving from six different heights, and three different kinds of diving boards? They all do the same shit anyway. Ditto for swimming- 100 meters, 200 meters, 400 meters, what's the difference?

The same dude won them all. Eliminate Modern Dance From Gymnastics The same dude won them all. Eliminate Modern Dance From Gymnastics Those dance moves are just the filler in between the cool flips and shit, like romantic subplots in action movies. Shooting is Not a Sport Just sayin is all. It may look cool, but placing pressure on something with your finger is not athleticism. Lose sailing too, what is this, a fucking country club? Most of the world is living off of UN grain rations, maybe we should can the gentlemen stuff. If you want to include something completely un-athletic, why not have a shit-blowing-contest? Synchronized swimming is ok too, because it makes for such good jokes. It’s like the Costner of Olympic sports.

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