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HOW TO FIX ENTOURAGE

Entourage didn't exactly jump the shark. It just slowly sank from a slightly-better-than-mediocre show to an unfunny, repetitive, saccharine, predictable piece of shit. In fact, it happened so slowly that most of us forgot to stop watching it. But I guess we’re all a little OCD, and it's not like there’s ever anything that cool to do on a Sunday night. That said, Entourage will soon be entering it's sixth season. By the time it starts airing, we'll be well into the Obama administration, and change will be in the air. Here's how to turn Entourage from an offensively irrelevant waste of time into an old-fashioned guilty pleasure: 1) Ari Screentime = 1/3 of the Show. Too much Ari isn't funny. Not enough Ari? Well, the rest of the show is even worse. 2) Ari = Asshole. Ari isn't Vince's friend. Vince is shallow and Ari is a scumbag. People like that don't have real friends. They just get drunk and leech off of each other. We don’t need to see how good a dad Ari is, or how loving of a husband he is, or any of that "should I or shouldn't I become head of the studio" bullshit. Just make with the racist/gay jokes and move on. 3) Fire or promote Lloyd. We get it. He’s gay. He’s chinese. If I have to hear one more motivational speech that Lloyd gives Ari I’m gonna firebomb HBO headquarters. I don’t care if David Simon’s taking a meeting there or what, I’m fucking crazy.

4) More movie shit. Is it so wrong to actually show a movie getting made? It does happen from time to time in this city. (We got a little bit with that gay fireman movie, and it was relatively amusing. ) I’m sure some focus group somewhere said that movie making doesn’t play well in the sticks, but let’s get real: the fly-over states don’t get HBO, and if they did, they wouldn’t watch Entourage because it sucks. 5) The following lines should never be spoken again: "Did you ever think we’d make it this far," "Who’d have thought this would happen to us?", and "Not bad for a couple of guys from Queens." Speaking of Queens, never do another episode there. The season finale was without a doubt the worst episode ever, it was like watching snot drip out of an old man’s nose. And could you not end every single episode with the boys toasting to something? It’s getting a little depressing. Collectively, I think society should give it the first three episodes of next season and if it hasn’t shaped up by then, Mark Wahlberg can go fuck himself.

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