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How To Cut Your Own Hair

There are many reasons to cut your own hair: you know exactly what you want, you don’t have to make awkwardly small-talk with your barber, and it’s free! Sure, you don’t have the skill to give yourself what you want, you’re effectively eliminating one of the few excuses you have to talk to another human, and the saying “you get what you pay for” is definitely applicable, but don’t worry, none of that actually matters! Step 1: Decide on a haircut
Begin by Googling something you’re embarrassed to admit you’re Googling, like “hot men with good haircuts” or perhaps “most handsome men in the world” or even “sweaty man rimjob.” Pick a haircut belonging to someone like George Clooney which was no doubt cut by one of the best stylists in the country, and delude yourself into thinking you can easily do it. After all, hairdressing is a shoddy working class profession, and you have a B.A. in Anthropology! 2. Get your supplies
Generally speaking, a good hair clipper will set you back at least a hundred bucks, which is why you’re going to go to your parents house “for lunch” and steal theirs.Every parent from the generation before us has clippers, because when they were young they weren’t ninny buttholes who get $80 asymmetrical haircuts from places called “Glow” or “Wave.” You’ll also need scissors: the ones you get from your kitchen aren’t at all ideal, but you can make up for that with your impeccable skill.3. Begin cutting

Start with the back and the sides – since you could only find #6 and a #1 attachments, use the #6 first and then kind of like, sort of half use the #1 after to just trim a bit of the #6. This should give you roughly a #3 because that’s halfway between the two, or something. Then accidentally cut one part really short. Now do the rest. 4. Reassess the situation

You now have almost no hair on the sides of your head, and since you don’t have two mirrors because nobody has two mirrors, you can only guess what the back looks like. Ignorance is bliss, I say. Take a photo of yourself with your webcam, and crudely Photoshop a buzzcut onto your head. Save the file as “basicallybradpitt.”If you’re still unsure if you want to go that route, send it to a few friends for a second opinion: they definitely won’t make fun of you for it. Try and remember if you heard that a buzzcut makes your forehead look smaller or bigger while trying to block out memories of being referred to as “Fivehead Fatso” in grade school. 5. Apply the finishing touches

Figure if you sort of just cut the top a little bit and then get some really expensive pomade that you’ll look more or less like Don Draper, or at least that little turd that works for him, anyway. After buying and failing to use the pomade, search for a “stylish 50s fedora” on eBay because you have absolutely no concept of what is cool.

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