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How To Be Poor Without Your Girlfriend Resenting You

Living life as a struggling freelance writer with a useless degree and little to no career prospects isn’t all glitz and glam. One glaring downside is the constant and painful reality that is your financial situation. This is only worsened upon tricking a woman into being your girlfriend, as this immediately means there are twice as many people forced to suffer the hardships of your frugal, banal existence. Because I’m well aware of the difficulties present in acquiring a girlfriend considering my social rank, I’ve developed several strategies to convince said girlfriend that my economic situation is not pathetic, but in fact, a blessing, thereby securing her as both my ejaculate receptacle and seemingly sole reason for existence.

One: glorify poverty. Women love the starving artist, the Aladdin, the homeless guy who would actually be kind of hot if he wasn’t like, y’know, homeless. So play that up. Rattle on about capitalism, how they’re way more sustainable in Haiti, and how pretty much every great thinker and spiritual leader were super-poor. If she isn’t willing to look past the irony in sitting across from her at an elitist and over-priced espresso bar while comparing yourself to Gandhi then she isn’t worth keeping around anyway.

Two: pretend being poor is fun. If you Google, “fun cheap date ideas,” you’ll find yourself with an endless supply of results, none of which are remotely fun. Buying each other three little trinkets each at the dollar store? That sounds awful. Making paper airplanes and throwing them off a bridge? Fucking drown me! But who cares if it’s actually fun? The point is to pretend it’s fun, because that’s most of what fun is when you’re an adult anyway. Seriously. Try and think of anything fun. Now, honestly ask yourself, would you like to do that, or would you rather sit at home watching Netflix and eating nachos. See? Nothing beats Nachos and Netflix. Nothing.

Three: pretend you’re not poor, just “mature.” Riffing off that last point: staying in is really, really cheap. Why do you think it seems to be the only thing your parents do? Because they funnelled all of their savings to you so you could actually do shit while you were in college. But it also seems like the “mature” thing to do. After a long week, sure, some people want to go out and have a good time. But you? You just want to have a quiet night in, because you have lots of, y’know, things to do in the morning.

Four: swear that literally everyone else who has money is getting it from their parents. Even if her friends’ boyfriends all have real, actual paying jobs, casually drop hints about how they’re “so lucky to be able to afford to intern,” and about how you wish your dad made that “totally random and lucky” investment back in the 90s. The key is to be vague enough to prevent her from asking questions, but specific enough that she begins to think you’re the only person in the entire world to actually work for your own money. If you’re lucky enough to be a racial minority, spout ambiguous lines about prejudice. If not, very vaguely reference something about class mobility, and if you think it could work, you could always blame “the Jews.”

Five: concoct an elaborate lie about the charitable way in which your money disappears. Pretend you have relatives in a third-world country, or that you once met this impoverished orphan who you’ve taken on as your surrogate little brother. Explain that half of all of your income is immediately directed to them. There’s just no fucking way she can call you out on it. Imagine your girlfriend trying to say, “I know that little Pedro needs new clothes for school, but I just really want to try that new Spanish Tapas place down the street.” Yeah, right.

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