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HOW MCCAIN CAN STILL WIN

Barack Obama has a healthy 7-point lead over John McCain. The website fivethirtyeight.com says Obama has a 96.7% chance of winning the election. It turns out voters don't really care if Barack Obama was "pailin' around with terrorists" when they can barely afford to pay for the Internet that provided the Ayer's/Obama chainletter in the first place. However, Barack Obama is all about "hope," and right now there's nobody who needs hope more than John McCain. So what can The Maverick do to make a huge (borderline statistically impossible) comeback? First, he's got to drop the proposal of having the government buy up all the bad mortgages. Bigger government will just alienate the Republican base, like Obama does by being black. Instead, McCain should help people on the verge of losing their home by letting them live in one of his homes. How many houses does he have again? 50? 67? 1,852? I lost track, but I know there's plenty and they're probably big enough to hold several dozen families each. McCain could even come by each house every few days and cook everyone dinner. It'd be exactly like what Al Gore did for Katrina victims in 2005 except instead of it being philanthropic it would be politically expedient. Second, he needs to arrange for Sarah Palin to have an unfortunate "accident." Perhaps while on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney. You know he's still bloodthirsty from the last time.

Then she’ll have to quit the ticket because she’s "recoverin’," McCain will replace her with Mitt Romney, Joe Lieberman will still be a dick that both parties don’t really like and everyone will feel so bad for Sarah that they’ll vote for McCain. Third, the negativity isn’t working so he has to stop the personal attacks against Obama. Of course, he can’t talk about the economy either considering he endorsed eight years of Bush policy that lead to the current economic crisis. That’s about as comfortable as your new neighbor bringing up that he’s a registerd sex offender during your kid’s 8th birthday...and he’s the clown. So what can he say? Well, he can mention that he was a P.O.W. And that he’s a Maverick. He can also tell people they’re his friends. In fact, from now on those should be the only words he says. A typical McCain speech should look like this: "My friends, P.O.W. Maverick. Maverick Maverick P.O.W. P.O.W. Maverick, my friends. P.O.W. Maverick." Yes, it’s only a slight change, but still a significant one. Finally, McCain needs nothing short of hard evidence that Barack Obama eats babies. Or he raped a white woman. That seems to be a GOP go-to-play when dealing with minorities. I don’t know how McCain can get Obama to do this, but he has to find away. Help him Karl Rove! It’s his only hope!

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