Girls with Boyfriends, as a group, are a little like venus fly traps. To the eye they look appealing and inviting, beckoning you to approach and investigate, see what types of wonderful things might be discovered there. But then they snap closed with actions that end with your mind getting dissolved by the social equivalent of the plant’s digestive juices. Girls with Boyfriends, you see, have a tendency to: 1) Withhold key information GwBs love to do this to you. Often a GwB will disguise herself at a party as someone who alone or just hanging out with a girlfriend, wearing a backless top or jeans so tight they prevent pregnancy. They talk to you as though they are open to your fumbling advances, smiling and chatting, knowing you are hitting on them, but hanging on to that one critical piece of information: that they have a boyfriend, and he is likely in the very same room with you. In fact, his name is Mike, and he’s standing right next to you. 2) Subsequently over-state how unavailable they are Once the cat is out of the bag, GwBs love, love, love to rub your nose in how there is no chance you will ever get near them in anything approaching a carnal embrace.

Every sentence, every phrase, from this point on is destined to included the words, “My boyfriend…” no matter with the subject. Even other people’s stories get hijacked to accommodate their need to drive this home to you, with the words often thrown in as a topper to whatever is being said. “My boyfriend does that, too,” is a favorite, or, “That is soooo like my boyfriend.” The not-so-subtle implication, of course, is, “He. Is. Not. You.” 3) Pretend like it’s on the rocks The next iteration of the scenario is one particularly designed to make you feel like a loser: GwB is at a bar and reveals that though there is a boyfriend in the mix, he is distant and untrustworthy, his commitment in question. The situation, they lead you to believe, is on the rocks, and they just might be compelled to end the whole thing by making out with such a cute and understanding man such as yourself. But none of this is true. Really. Not a word of it, sucker. 4) Pull a bait and switch The GwB, confident in her status as a taken woman, plays a painful little trick in which she adopts the character of the intrepid flirter, the brazen socialite who defies social convention and comes right up and talks to YOU.

She is aggressive and forthright, a breath of fresh air, a new and interesting challenge. She is also, in fact, tricking the shit out of you, and is actually just acting as a shill for her sullen, shy friend, who you are not interested in, but whom she foists upon you and not-so-subtly suggests that the two of you would be great together… because you’re both desperate, single people. 5) Make you a confidant This is the most advanced, cruelest GwB behavior, because it combines both heightened temptation and slow, drawn-out physical and emotional frustration. Here the GwB has passed all phases of rejection and decided, instead, to make you a female-like confidant, a neutered being she tells about her catty boss and menstrual cycles. At first this seems like good news, because you have entered an inner circle, an exclusive sanctum, but soon the talk turns to sexual escapades and long-buried fantasies, and the GwB gets comfortable changing front of you and touching you when she’s drunk… WHICH ONLY MAKES IT ALL WORSE, of course. The GwB is marginally aware of this, but lets it go on. Why? Because she knows she needs someone to help her move her stuff out when she and the boyfriend break up, and help fill that awkward in-between time before she gets another one. Who, again: Is. Not. You.

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